Starting August I will be moving into my dorm at West Virginia University. From senior to freshman again. I will be in a closet sized room with another girl and a bathroom separating us from two more girls we will probably never talk to, meeting new people, using a card with my picture on it to do absolutely everything. I will be rushing in the morning to get to my first period class. Freshman orientation required for some reason.
Being a first generation student in my family going off to college is a lot of pressure. Those who are the eldest child, the "role model" for younger siblings and cousins. My family isn't the best, uncles and aunts would always say I'd be like my mother. A teen mom at 17 and no education. That I wouldn't go to college. Look at me now. My mother is my biggest role model, and despite our ups and down... she's my best friend.
But, Here's a little back story:
Gaining the justice, I needed from my sexual abuser, my step-father; I learned that silence and fear only hold a person back from the future and who they can become. I know it's very cliche, but the entire problem exemplified how avoiding a problem can throw oneself into a most undesirable predicament. Once I accepted help, going to therapy, I learned to ask for help by my teachers, and my grades rose. There were days in my life that everything would get the best of me, but I have always been able to advocate for myself at school. I never thought that such a life changing situation could affect one so much. It is no excuse for how I let my academic achievement become collateral damage, but I continued to challenge myself in my courses. I overcame self-harm, depression, and suicide attempts. Now Instead of saying, " I'm damaged, I'm broken, I'm lost " like I did a year ago, I say " I'm healing, I'm rediscovering myself, I'm starting over," Words I thought unimaginable.
Having no support at the age of 13, the years to come not only influenced me to grow, but mature at a faster pace than I should have. I look at myself now and I couldn't be prouder of who I have become since then. I had a broken education, a lost and damaged soul. In retrospect, I regret not accepting the help I needed to learn to deal with my emotions and thoughts the correct way. Looking back, I saw how weak I was, looking at myself now I couldn't be prouder of who I have become in the past 3 years. I overcame my self – harm and depression. In my academic and personal life. If he had just stopped. The pain brought on felt like I was being constantly stabbed with every breath taken.
Ending up with no support from my family, especially my mother, the constant hammering that I was blamed led to my darkest place. My mother working more jobs than she needed required me to focus on school and family. Now, this was more than any 13-year-old should have to be responsible for. Finding time to babysit and finding time to study. I had to learn time management skills between what felt two worlds; which seemed impossible at the age of 13. My freshman year I had to choose my siblings or school; which one was more important? While I could hold my ground at home, in school I suffered. My sophomore year and first semester of my junior year were probably the worst times of my life. I was an awful student. I ended up flat out skipping entire days of school, either to work with my mother or out of obligations to attend therapy appointments. It wasn't irresponsibility, but I let my depression and anxiety get the best of me.
This is my resilience:
I did indeed notice that this wasn't something I wanted. I was tired of living this way and I needed to choose myself over anyone. If I wanted to change I have to ask for it, take it. I needed to find the courage and strength. Talking to my mom about anything was the hardest thing that I've had trouble doing for years. I've made mistakes I my life, I let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve. I let this whole situation and the outcomes along with it consume me, in my life and education. I've learned from my mistake, I've learned that there are good people and bad. I learned to advocate for myself, ask for help when needed, and understand that seeking help is the best thing anyone can do for themselves. I'm still the same person I was, yet different. I became an independent woman at a young age, grew stronger, and remained optimistic. I know better next time that silence and fear can control who one is and who they become. I've learned who I am. I'm proud for building my relationship back with my mother and opening her eyes to the damage she has done, despite the long hard road. After years of hard work, I can say I'm a fighter.
Pursuing the career in Business Management and Medicine is a dream that no one will hold me back from accomplishing. I will work and hope to pursue a clinic that allows me to help these low-income communities. I believe that health care for children and mothers to be should not be limited or denied for money. I've seen firsthand families who have been denied because of being illegal, not enough money, or simply just their race. I plan on being that catalyst for this innovation.
Going to college will allow me to gain the experience I need, take me out of comfort zones, and teach me new things. I want to gain the freedom I desire. the freedom to be able to make my own choices without second-guessing me. Freedom from an irrational guidance. College offers so many opportunities to network with people from all over the world, like-minded individuals who could share the same goal as me. I became an independent woman at a young age, grew stronger, and remained optimistic. I've learned who I am.
After years of hard work, I can say I'm a fighter and will continue to fight throughout the years and challenges to come. I'm going to college, I graduated high school and nothing will ever be enough to thank my mom for the sacrifices she's made for me all those 18 years. So thanks to those who put me down my whole life, look at where I'm headed?