After being raped the world seemed scary, untrusting, taunting. I never knew who I could trust. I didn’t know when the trauma would replay in my head. I knew I had triggers, but sometimes the panic came unexpectedly and wasn’t controllable.

I covered the pain with poor behaviors that just led to more pain. I knew I had to stop, but at the same time, I didn’t want to. “Hiding under the sheets of another guy’s bed will give me the love I crave,” I told myself to justify why I left a party to go home with a guy. I always thought it was a perfect balance, physical connection but not too much intimacy. They didn’t know me or the broken pieces I was trying to heal. It was the easy way and became the only thing I knew.

But then I met you. The hardest, yet most rewarding relationship I’ve ever had. Loving you is easy, but letting you love me seemed like an impossible task, one I was not ready for. Day by day I let you in. I took steps forward and took steps backward, but you stood beside me every step of the way. At first, it always felt like there was a separation between us like I wanted to let you in but once you got too close I quickly shut the door.

I know our relationship has been rocky, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I want to thank you for your patience and respect. Disrespect had been my norm, but because of the way you treated me I not only learned what respect is but I now truly believe I deserve it.

I want to thank you for always asking before you do something so that my boundaries are never overstepped. You ask what my triggers are so that you never put me in a place of fear or anxiety. I want to thank for all the nights you’ve stayed up with me as I cried because the flashbacks became too much and the nightmares wouldn’t stop. You reached for my hand, whisper softly “ It’s just me and you. I got you. You are safe,” and gently kiss my head.

I always felt guilty and ashamed (and sometimes I still do) for the nights filled will tears and uncontrollable shakes, but instead you taught me to find the beauty in how amazing it is that I let you in and love me my darkest moments. You sat with me through my most raw and vulnerable moments, when I believed I was most unlovable, showing me nothing but unconditional love.

I know it hasn’t been easy and there were moments when pushing you away and pulling you back close seemed unbearable, but the amount of consistency you brought into my life has helped me grow into a person I never thought I’d become. I want to thank you for all the love you’ve given me so that in return I am getting to a place of fully loving myself. I want to thank you for not needing to know every detail or ask every question, and instead, meeting me wherever I'm at with all the empathy you could give.

Thank you for loving me so that I am able to love myself. I don’t know where I would be if it weren’t for you, your love, patience, empathy, and respect.