My dear girl,
You’re turning one this week and to be completely honest, I am a big, soppy mess. It turns out that motherhood has made me a bit of an emotional sap, and the fact that you may very well be my last baby is not helping whatsoever. I keep catching myself watching you play clumsily with pots and spatulas or tottering down the hall; I’ll be frozen, deep in adoration and terrified that these moments will be gone the second I look away.
I break down into tears over the thought of you no longer being a baby too many times in a day to be considered healthy. This is a big deal for me. Me−the girl who once claimed she didn’t know if she “even wanted kids.” God, I was such a fool (but in a mostly okay way). I didn’t spend all of my early adulthood aching to settle down and pop out babies, and that left me a lot of time to chase selfish pursuits and get lost over and over again.
Because of that, I had no solid expectations of motherhood, so I was floored when it completely blew me away. Nothing has ever consumed me as entirely as being a mom has. That’s why I’m afraid that this all-consuming, sweet, blissful relationship will disappear on me. I know that each birthday gets us closer to my role changing, diminishing.
Pretty soon I won’t be the only person you run to for comfort, and I can’t even think about the day that you don’t light up when I walk into the room. I know I’m not really in touch with teenagers these days, but I’m pretty sure that they still think their parents are the worst; and how can I possibly deal with falling from your favorite person to some embarrassing woman who is like, totally obsessed with you.
But maybe I’ll be lucky. Maybe after the teenage years mellow out, and you start to carve out your own place in this life, you’ll come back around to me. Maybe, like me, you’ll get to chase some dreams and get lost along the way.
But you’ll do it better I’m sure. If you ever get tired of chasing, when getting lost becomes overwhelming, when someone−or everyone−makes you feel lonely, you can always come back to me, if just for a moment. I will always want you around. I will always want to make you smile. I will always think you are the most beautiful and sweet girl I have ever met.
And brilliant. And strong. So if anyone or anything makes you question that, just come see me so I can remind you. After all, I knew you before the world ever did, and I have seen those qualities woven into you from your very first breath. Until my last, I will be here to remind you of that.
But take your time, my sweet girl. Wake me up at night. Reach for me across room. Giggle when I swing you around in my arms. Make me hold you when I should be doing other things. Stay my baby for just a while longer. I promise I’ll let you go when you’re ready.