Past Contentment

I had the best childhood. When I look back on my years as a kid, I realize those moments were incredible: from watching the haunted mansion 3 times in a row with my cousins, to climbing magnolia trees in the backyard, eating chocolate chip pancakes every morning, learning how to ride my bike with no hands, exploring the eno river behind my house and pretending it was some fairytale land, attending summer camp, and making memories with my best friends.

It seems now like a distant reality that never actually happened. Especially with the state of mind, I've been in for the past year.

When I've asked my friends to describe me, the most common answers run something like this: independent, adventurous, honest, loyal, easy-going, aloof, and positive/optimistic.

I may seem on the outside positive and optimistic but that is probably only because I am not sensitive and I understand that those difficult situations can be overcome. I tell people when they are upset, that all things happen for a reason and that being upset or stressed out is not what they should do. But as much as I preach what I say, I am also very angry with it.

Like I said earlier, my childhood was 11/10, sure it had its ups and downs but I never woke up once feeling sad. I got hurt sure, but it wasn't an everlasting feeling. This was the way it was until I got to high school and I started to realize I was missing something. The people who I consider closest to me are not the ones closest to me in location, and it has been this way forever. In high school, I just seemed to actually comprehend that and I felt lonely. I wasn't content. I had great memories, I was happy, but I wasn't content. When I wasn't doing something exciting - and even when I was - I felt lonely inside.

I am independent, I enjoy my own company, I appreciate my alone time. But it's different when you actually feel alone emotionally.

Then all of a sudden I was blessed.

My junior year, I found people who I saw every day that I enjoyed being with - And for the first time, I didn't feel alone inside, I was content. I had a boyfriend who I loved and nearby best friends that I was able to share my life with.

Then all of a sudden, it was stripped from me.

My content feeling lasted me a year. It seemed unfair that I would lose someone I loved and also not have my support system when I needed them most. This was the summer before my senior year. Because of that feeling of distrust in others, I internally pushed people away and I was no longer content.

I tried my hardest to let people in, but in reality, the only person you can ever trust 100% is you. And that is a fact. I reminded myself that every day and still do.

My senior year had highlights, I had happy moments, but once again I wasn't content. After a while, it didn't matter to me what had happened, it was just the fact that I was no longer content like I used to be and I had no idea when I would be again and that really scared me.

Finding Contentment

After going home for a weekend after one month at NC State, I perked up a little bit. I realized being in a new location was helping me find contentment again. I still am not close to being as content as I was but I feel like I will be soon. I found someone that I can see a future with, and though nothing has really happened yet, I feel like I am getting closer emotionally to the people around me and that maybe I will be able to trust others again.

I am excited about the future, and once again all things happen for a reason and we cannot feel one way for too long - why? Because things are always changing, in bad ways and in good.