It's been three years since I began one of the hardest trials of my life.

I had never been so hurt and blindsided by someone who was supposed to love me. And I think one of the worst parts about it was it wasn't even a betrayal I could hide. Everyone would notice, and get suspicious, and they would be able to ask the person that hurt me what happened, and I'm sure they would have loved to dish about it.

By my family and friends I was constantly told "God asks you to forgive," "this, too, shall pass," or some sort of saying that belongs framed in a bathroom.

I didn't want to forgive them. I didn't want to make excuses for what they did. They don't deserve it. They hadn't even asked for my forgiveness, so why should I pass it out like it was candy?

Being told over and over that I needed to forgive this person, became overdone, as if I was a kid being told by their parents not to talk to strangers. To forgive them felt numb. I had convinced myself that I had forgiven them. I told myself, everyone else and even the person who hurt me, that I forgave them.

Though I had told myself over and over I forgave them, I hated that I did. I hated that I forgave them. I hated that I dismissed what they did as if it was nothing. They didn't deserve to get off that easily because what they did hurt.

Two years later, I was still angry and still hurt. I still couldn't look at them without getting sick with anger. I couldn't even hear their name without craving some sort of revenge on them.

I had realized that I never really forgave them. I just said I did and pretended like everything was all good. I was still angry. Despite it being two years later, despite me having moved 1,000 miles away, I still hadn't been able to move onIt wasn't until I heard someone say that to forgive is not to condone, and we do not need to rationalize someone's bad behavior, that I finally understood how to forgive someone. I was allowed to recognize that they were in the wrong and what they did was horrible, but finally be able to forgive them.

To forgive someone does not mean at all that you're okay with what they've done. To forgive someone does not mean you have to trust or respect them again.

All forgiveness is is to be able to get rid of the anger you once had,