"Child, listen. You're on a journey. You didn't like the way life was going, so you're rewriting your own story. That's what you have to do. You don't see it now, but this is the most important part of your life. If you don't like the story that's being told about your own life, you've got to change it. You've got to tell a different story."
-'The Smart One'
Jennifer Close
For the last few weeks I have been feeling incredibly sorry for myself. Sorry that I was taking a gap year even though it was the best decision. Sorry that I felt as if I was in limbo. And most importantly, sorry that I felt more alone than I cared to admit.
For the first time in my life I felt like a complete loser. And I mean THAT loser. The one you fear becoming when you are the awkward 14 year old in braces hoping life gets better than this.
Because after four years of being in the honors college with scholarships I couldn't believe that I was still moving back in with my parents. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my mother. But seriously?! I couldn't make life work so well that when I graduated from college I still had to move back home?
LAME.
And while I sit here tonight thinking the same thoughts I have allowed to dictate my life for the last month, I can't help but smile. To realize that I am finally understanding life for what it is. As simply a storm of ups and downs; where the pitfalls feel much further downward than any sane person would want to attempt, but the highs are indescribable.
What I believe I have begun to realize is the importance of becoming okay with who I am and who I aspire to be
It's not to say that I am incapable of fulfilling my dreams or unable to make a living, but that I am learning life at my own pace. I am finally learning that no matter how hard we try, life is not all about plans and perfect moments.
Sometimes it's about falling flat on our faces
Learning that we are simply a very small part of a large world, and that no matter how hard we try there will always be something that feels like a shovel to the face or the end of all as we know it.
But that's the beauty of choosing to live. That sometimes we will feel uncomfortable, unsure and completely incapable. And the next moment we will be screaming at the top of our lungs hoping that this moment never ends.
Until two months ago I believed I had never known a life better than within the arms of another. And as I sit here on my couch alone, I realize that nothing feels as good as acceptance.
To finally love the body that you are in and to be exceptionally proud of whoever it is you are becoming.
Because life is about LIVING
It's about failing MISERABLY at whatever it is we want and still finding a way to pick ourselves back up and try again. Loving the completely wrong person without regrets. And about being present in anything and everything that you do and continuing to move forward despite your greatest fears.
So here's to the ones who feel less than, left out and lonely. To the ones one bottle down and to the others who continue to share more exciting posts on social media despite their internal feelings of self-worth. But especially to the ones who hope for more in this life, even if they aren't sure what that is yet.
Because this is when you become alive. When you finally decide to live your life wholeheartedly for you and without an ounce of regret in either direction. Because if you never give up, one day you will catch your big break. Knowing that it will feel exactly as you hoped it might.