You have a really long day. Two tests kicked your butt, a professor that called you out in class, and you heard that your friend was saying something behind your back. Needless to say, you’re pissed. You walk back to your room, wanting a lot of comfort and sympathy. You call your boyfriend to come over to get some sympathy and a hug because you’re so frustrated with your day. All that you want is sympathy. All that you get are suggestions of how to make your day better.

“Nevermind! I don’t know why I even tell you anything!” He’s confused. Why would you tell him something if you didn’t want any suggestions on how to fix the situation? Your girlfriends would understand. They would comfort you and ask you if you wanted to go get ice cream, but your boyfriend just doesn’t get it.

Why is that?

Deborah Tannen argues that men and women have different ways of speaking in conversation. Men speak in what she calls "report-talk" and women in "rapport talk." Rapport talk is, “a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships.” She notes that in the conversation style of women, there is an emphasis on “displaying similarities and matching experiences.” Your girlfriends will tell you about their crappy days and agree with you that your professor was picking on you because that is how women create relationships with people. They communicate to you that they understand by telling a similar story.

However, your boyfriend makes suggestions on how to make a better day because, for men, “talk is primarily a means to preserve independence and negotiate and maintain status in a hierarchical social order.” This doesn’t mean that he is attempting to establish himself above you, but that this is how he communicates with his friends. Men compete with different facts and suggestions in order to show that they are paying attention and that they want to correct a situation. They communicate to you that they understand by giving you a suggestion because men are often not as good at reading emotion as women are.

This isn’t a sexist argument by any means. Both types of conversation are needed in each relationship. It doesn’t mean that your boyfriend doesn’t understand and it doesn’t mean that your girlfriend doesn’t want to help. Men establish vertical hierarchies of status while women establish horizontal hierarchies of closeness.

Think about it. How do women compete with one another? How do men?

Women compete with one another by showing you that they are closer to you than someone else. Your closest friend is someone who you tell your secrets to, someone who you trust. When your friend is gossiping about someone else, it is to show you that they are closer to that person than you are. They know more of their business and secrets.

Men compete with one another by showing that they are better at something or that they know more about something. One may know more about Kentucky basketball stats than another or one may know more about business than another.

Men and women are different and, in a relationship, its important to realize that. You cant see your boyfriend as one of your girlfriends or vice versa. They’re awesome and hopefully they’re one of your best friends, but they’re programmed differently.