In school, they teach us the natural instinct for all animals in frightening situations if to either fight it or fly away from it. What they don't teach you is there is a third option: freezing. Freezing is what happens when you don't know how to fight the situation or maybe you're too scared too and when escaping the situation is impossible. Your whole body tenses up and the situation just sorta rolls on by. You let the boy you just met for coffee an hour ago touch you in ways that you know you didn't want to be touched.

I moved to Califonia not knowing a single person. I was alone and eager to make friends. Within days of moving out here, my friend recommended an app called Tinder. "Isn't that like a dating app? I don't want a boyfriend right now, no thanks!" "You don't have to date them, Abbie, just get on there to meet new people." And so I started my way making a profile and specifically saying that I did not want to sleep with anyone and was only here to make friends. Within hours I was at a coffee joint down the street with a guy I was having a very good conversation with about our hometowns. We got our coffee and after sitting for a while he suggested we went upstairs where his apartment was. I was little put off because we all know what could happen in a college guys apartments when he brings a girl over. So when I said no he immediately corrected and said: "no, my roommates are home we can chill with them and play on the XBox." Now that I was sure he didn't mean to have sex I agreed.

Something should have alerted my fight or flight when within moments of getting upstairs the roommates suddenly had to "grocery shop" all at once. So he and I were alone. I thought to myself how that I trust this guy and I liked him so I didn't think he would ever try and hurt me. But then he kissed me... like really kissed me. I didn't kiss him back. When he finally came up for air I tried to push him off and say that I didn't like him like that but he pulled me closer. Said to me "I promise you will enjoy this" and those words still haunt me because I did not enjoy it at all. He put his hands down my pants and I tried to pull him out but he hurt me. I said no and he ignored me. The next thirty minutes I did my best to ignore what was being done to my body and to pray that God forgave me for this... forgave me not him.

Days later I was trying to process it all and nothing made sense. Why would he do that? Did I give him permission? Was I being too uptight? Maybe if I relaxed I could have enjoyed it more? Then he texted me again as if nothing life altering had just happened. I let it sit but the longer it sat the more I wanted to respond, I just didn't know what. Then he texted again "I really enjoyed you the other night (insert winky face emoji) we should do it again. You free tonight?" Any sane person would have screamed no and probably gone off on them in a three-page rant. You know what I said? "Yeah! I'm free tonight around 7 is that cool?" I saw him at 7 pm that night but I was not scared. I had convinced myself that it was just an awkward start, that if I did have sex with him consensually now that it would all be okay. I had already broken God's trust in me so why stop now? We had sex but it was still awkward for me. I had flashbacks to the first time and I could remember telling him, no, but then having my mouth covered so I couldn't anymore. I saw myself being pushed against the wall and held there while he took a part of me I didn't want him to have. I left there that night and I cried and I cried and I cried.

I went to get help. I saw a therapist, she asked what I wore and why I went to his apartment and why I downloaded the app and why I went back a second time. I didn't have answers to any of these questions and so I left her office and never saw her again. I joined an online support group. They said that I made it up because there is no way somebody would go back to their attacker, but I had, so I left that group. I was alone. I knew something happened to me, I knew what it was, but I blamed myself. I lived like that for about a year until I finally broke down and told my then best friend what happened. He held me for a long time before he spoke and finally, the only thing he could say was " I am so sorry that happened, but not a part of that was your fault and did everything you thought was right". For the first time since that night, I left him, I cried again. But finally, I cried relief because somebody understood, somebody knew what happened and didn't blame me.

I later found women sharing stories like mine and found solidarity in their stories. I then started sharing my story with every woman I met because you never know if you will fight, fly, or freeze.

I want the world to know it is okay to freeze.

Just because you freeze does not mean that what happened is okay.

It doesn't matter the situation, rape or not, freezing is okay.

Please talk to somebody and keep talking until somebody listens and believes you.

You don't deserve anything less than to be loved, and I hope you find that.