There is something so relaxing about laying in a big bed, calm music playing, with the windows cracked allowing a cool breeze and fragments of sunlight to weave through. I find satisfaction in simplicity; giving myself permission to get swallowed by loneliness. Lately I've been pondering why being alone is looked upon to be a negative aspect of life. From the time little girls play with their dolls and dress up in wedding dresses, they are focused primarily on dreaming up their wedding day. They fantasize every detail from the color scheme, the venue and most importantly, their Price Charming. But why? Why is getting married one of a woman's most important goals in life? Love is beautiful, but it should not be striven for from a man in order to obtain happiness.

As I am approaching some of the most important years of my life, it has become clear to me that within the next few years, I will be (or expected to be) getting married. After marriage comes a house, a family, and living TheAmerican Dream. What if I have absolutely no desire to achieve this dream? Being alone is all I have ever known, I grew up as an only child so I got used to my own company. Unfortunately, for as far back as I can remember, I watched my parents' marriage unfold before my eyes. I formed my own deception of love through their marriage. Now that they went their separate ways, it's more clear to me that the best love they ever showed me was their love for me. Although, their vows now live unpromised, I am certain that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. They assure me everyday that they never regretted their marriage because something beautiful came of it. Through the darkest days of my life, I remembered that I was their only light so I had to stay strong for them.

Over the last year of moving and accepting the new change in my family, I got a lot of questions about what it was like now; or if things finally felt "normal". Truth be told; to me, my parents marriage was "normal". I never knew what it was like for two people- two parents- to love each other unconditionally. I think I can count on one hand the amount of times I've seen my parents kiss or hold hands. But to me, that was normal. How was I supposed to know if that was love or not? How could I have possibly said my parents weren't in love? I think we've all had our share of not so perfect relationships, but we stay because of love. We stay, because we have hope; hope that things will change, hope that the fire will rekindle, hope that we will no longer be disappointed. Hoping is great, keeping the faith is possible, but sometimes hope and faith alone aren't enough to start a match. Once the flame is out, and all the embers turn to dust, the damage cannot be undone. The only thing that's left to do, is walk away.

Then comes acceptance, followed by adaptation. As time passed by, I formed a new definition of Family. By law, my parents may no longer be married, but they will always be my parents, and for that- I will always remember them at their best. But by no means, will I ever blame them for my decision behind enjoying being single. If anything, I thank them for showing me what to look for in a partner, and what I do not want in a partner. There have been times when I thought I was in love - like any teenage girl- I got my heart broken. At the time, this was the worst thing I had ever experienced and I did not know how to cope with the fact of being unwanted. I did not know how to process the feeling of not being enough for this person. And in the process of trying to be enough, I lost myself. Looking back now, losing myself allowed me to discover who I am today, and for that I am forever grateful. See, love changes you. It makes you do crazy things, it makes you feel the highest of highs, and lowest of lows. I often hear people say that if someone really loves you, they'll never make you cry. But I don't think you love someone if you never cryover them. Hear me out, there are things that may not be a big deal if your parents or best friend did them, but if the man you love did it, it feels like the sky is falling.

Like I said, sometimes hope, and faith and love, aren't enough to keep the flame from burning out. Even if you still love them with every piece of your heart, you know that the love is killing you more than it is keeping you alive. As Taylor Swift wrote, "I can't breathe without you, but I have to." I believe that you can still love someone, no matter how much time has passed or how far away you are, no matter how bad someone is for you, the love can still live on. And every relationship, every fling, every man after, will be compared to him. You may date one of the nicest, caring, funny, charming men and still find a flaw. All that means is that you just need time, you need time to be alone. You need time to isolate yourself on an island in the middle of your room and soak in the loneliness.

So, heartbreak after heartbreak, I choose to be alone. I choose to appreciate all I am able to accomplish by myself, with myself and only myself. For first time in my life, I know what it feels like to be loved - truly loved- by myself. The love from myself is finally enough. And it may have taken me a few years to figure that out, but I am more than confident that when the right man comes along, that his love will be an edition to my life, but not my only source of happiness. Because to me, happiness is belting out my favorite songs, or sitting in a coffee shop with a really great book, or running until my legs can go no further. Happiness is not linear, we all have different things that make us happy, but for now my happiness stems from my success. It grows and radiates from within, and I no longer allow the impurity from the soil around me to limit my growth.