I'm A Feminist, But I Don't Know Who Should Pay For Dinner

I'm A Feminist, But I Don't Know Who Should Pay For Dinner

Feminism is about equality and fairness, but that doesn't mean it's not okay to be spoiled sometimes.
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I am nothing but amazed at the way feminism has evolved in the last few years. It was such a dirty word when I first started to self-identify back in college. People still viewed it as man-hating and bra burning and they didn’t want to take the time to actually understand its constructs.

For me, the best part of feminism has been finding other people that share my voice and helping the men in my life find their version of feminism. This has been especially true for my relationships.

Can feminism exist in a heterosexual relationship? ABSOLUTELY!

For some reason, there’s this notion that in order to be a feminist, chivalry has to go out the window as well as gender roles.

While you definitely don’t want there to be gender enforced roles, it’s OK to assign roles to one another. Which begs the question, “What is your role?”

I think the biggest divide in feminist relationships is money.

Is it OK to let the man buy you dinner? Should you be buying his dinner? Should you be splitting the tab?

These are all questions I have asked myself over the years, and while there’s no correct answer, there are answers for certain situations.

I have been in relationships where we’ve divided the tabs evenly, and I’ve been in relationships where the guy paid for everything all the time. Now, I’m in a relationship where we each take turns buying for each other.

Every situation was different and there were reasons behind it.

I previously dated someone who made nearly three times my salary. It was because of this difference that he chose to pay for everything. I always offered and made many attempts to slide my card on the bill before he could, but he just wouldn’t have it.

We had long discussions about it and agreed that if I was the one who made three times his salary, he would happily let me foot the bill. It had nothing to do with it being his role as a male, rather it was because it did not put him in a financially desperate situation to take care of things, where it would have certainly impacted me to cover things.

As a feminist, I try my hardest to advocate for even playing fields.

I want my guy to feel appreciated and taken care of just as much as they take care of me. I love buying gifts and surprising them just as much as I love receiving gifts!

True feminism in a relationship will look like an even partnership. It’s taking turns paying for things or even just driving. Maybe using your car and gas instead of his or staying the night at his place instead of yours.

It’s going back and forth between the two and not expecting the other person to baby you all the time.

As a feminist, it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable to have someone just buying me things all the time or trying to baby me. It makes me feel like I’m losing my independence.

In a relationship, there should be equal parts of being spoiled and babied and spoiling and babying your partner.

Even if they make more money than you, don’t expect them to just cover everything. Maybe they’ll pay a little more often than you, but you should definitely be putting in the effort to make them feel appreciated.

Buy them gifts, cook them dinner, offer to drive. Do something to show that you appreciate every bit of what they’re giving you and don’t expect it just because you’re the woman.

And if you’re the woman making two or three times their salary, pick up the tab! This is 2018, and if I made that much more than my guy, I’d for sure be spending it on him!

The best feeling in the world is getting to give someone something. Even if that something is a milkshake. My guy is all smiles and appreciation no matter what!

Everything should be a partnership.

Don’t expect your guy to do all the yard work or fix everything. Communicate with each other and divide things up. Find out what you’re both comfortable and capable of doing. And be a team player!!

That boy is 100 percent capable of doing the laundry and dishes and he can heat something up for dinner! I am SO over these assigned “roles.”

I was not born to be a housewife. No way, no how.

That is perfectly fine for the awesome women and FEMINISTS that love doing that, but it should never be expected.

At the end of the day, go with what you’re comfortable with. Just always be fair.

That’s what feminism is anyway!! EQUALITY!!

BRB tagging my guy in this…

Cover Image Credit: 123rf

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To The Boy Who Will Love Me Next

If you can't understand these few things, leave before things get too involved
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To the boy that will love me next, I need you to know and understand things about me and my past. The things I have been though not only have shaped the person I’ve become, but also sometimes controls my life. In the past I’ve been used, abused, and taken for granted, and I want something real this time. The guys before you were just boys; they didn’t know how to treat me until it was too late. They didn’t understand how to love me, until I broke my own heart. Before you truly decide to love me I want you to understand these things.

When I tell you something, please listen.

I’m my own person, I want to be loved a certain way. If I ask you to come over and watch movies with me please do it, if I ask for you to leave me alone for a few hours because it’s a girl’s night please do it. I don’t just say things to hear my own voice, I say things to you because it’s important to my life and the way I want to be loved. I’m not a needy person when it comes to being loved and cared for, but I do ask for you to do the small things that I am say.

Forgive my past.

My past is not a pretty brick road, it is a highway that has a bunch of potholes and cracks in it. I have a lot of baggage, and most of it you won’t understand. But don’t let my past decided whether you want to love me or not. My past has helped form who I am today, but it does not define who I am. My past experiences might try and make an appearance every once in a while, but I will not go back to that person I once was, I will not return to all that hurt I once went though. When I say those things, I’m telling the complete and honest truth. I relive my past every day, somethings haunt me and somethings are good reminds. But for you to love me, I need you to accept my past, present and future.

I’m just another bro to the other guys.

I have always hung out with boys, I don’t fit in with the girl groups. I have 10 close girlfriends, but the majority of my friends are guy, but don’t let this scare you. If I wanted to be with one of my guy friends I would already be with him, and if you haven’t noticed I don’t want them because I’m with you. I will not lose my friendships with all my guy friends to be able to stay with you. I will not cut off ties because you don’t like my guy friends. I have lost too many buddies because of my ex-boyfriends and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again. If you don’t like how many guy friends I have you can leave now. Don’t bother trying to date me if you can accept the fact I’m just another bro.

I might be a badass, but I actually have a big heart.

To a lot of people I come off to be a very crazy and wild girl. I will agree I can be crazy and wild, but I’m more than that. I’m independent, caring, responsible, understanding, forgiving, and so such more type of woman. Many people think that I’m a badass because I don’t take any negatively from anyone. Just like we learned when we were younger, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” Most people can’t do that in today’s world, so I stick up for myself and my friends. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, or their option on how I live my life. The only thing I care about is being able to make myself happy. Even though I’m an independent woman, understand that I do have a big heart. Honesty when I truly care for someone I will do just about anything they ask, but don’t take advantage of this. Once you take advantage of this part of me, all respect will be lost for you.

I’m hard to love.

Sometimes I want to be cuddle and get attention, and sometimes I don’t want you to talk to me for a couple hours. Sometimes I want you to take me out for a nice meal, but sometimes I want a home cooked meal. Every day is different for me, sometimes I change my mind every hour. My mood swings are terrible on certain days, and on those days you should probably just ignore me. I’m not easy to love, so you’ll either be willing to find a way to love me, or you’ll walk out like so many others have.

I’m scared.

I’m scared to love someone again. I’ve been hurt, heartbroken, and beat to the ground in my past relationships. I want to believe you are different, I want to hope things will truly work out, but every relationship has always ended up the same way. I’m scared to trust someone, put my whole heart into them, just to be left and heartbroken again. I sick and tired of putting my whole body and soul into someone for them to just leave when it is convenient for them. If you want to love me, understand it won’t be easy for me to love you back.

When “I’m done.”

When I say “I’m done” I honestly don’t mean that I’m done. When I say that it means I need and want you to fight for me, show me why you want to be with me. I need you to prove that I’m worth it and there’s no one else but me. If I was truly done, I would just walk away, and not come back. So if I ever tell you, “I’m done,” tell me all the reasons why I’m truly not done.

For the boy who will love me next, the work is cut out for you, you just have to be willing to do it. I’m not like other girls, I am my own person, and I will need to be treated as such. For the boy that will love me next, don’t bother with me unless you really want to be with me. I don’t have time to waste on you if you aren’t going to try and make something out of us. To the boy who will love me next, the last thing I would like to say is good luck, I have faith in you.

Cover Image Credit: Danielle Balint

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The 7 Stages Of A Breakup, As Told By Netflix's 'Someone Great'

Alexa play "Truth Hurts" by Lizzo, and max volume, please.

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We all know how it feels to get your heart broken by a guy. Whether it be in your teens or in your 30s, everyone experiences it, or already has. After watching the movie “Someone Great" on Netflix, it hit me deep in my feels. If you haven't seen it yet, check it out. It made me realize all of the stages of going through a rough breakup, and I could not relate to a movie more.

1. When you first breakup and will cry about it to just about anyone

We all know that we do this almost immediately after a break-up. You are just trying to get out of the house so you go to the store, something reminds you of our ex, and next thing you know, you're talking the stranger's ear off in the grocery store for the next 2 hours.

2. When your friends call you and you say you're fine but you really haven't moved from your couch in two days and all you have done is eat two gallons of ice cream and watch "The Notebook" on repeat

"Just come do something with us, or let us come there."

"Nah, I'm okay, I actually have a super busy day today."

Yeah, if you mean busy as in binge-watching every episode of "Pretty Little Liars," then yeah, count me out of all plans so I can rewatch every episode for the next 3 weeks. We all know that feeling of not wanting to move out of bed for as long as you can after a break-up.

3. When that ONE song comes on at the mall, and you suddenly realize it was "your" song

This one hits differently. You're literally just minding your own business, trying to treat yourself to a little bit of a wardrobe change because of how sad you have been all week and BAM, it hits you like a train. Next thing you know you're crying in the dressing room of Forever 21 wondering where it all went wrong.

4. Finally caving in and hanging with your friends, realizing that this is what you needed all along

You never want to leave your bed after a breakup, you seem to cancel or bail out on every plan you try to make, then finally, after you have run out of tears, you actually follow through with a girl's night, and then you suddenly realize that all along, just time spent with the gals is what you needed. Trust me, been there, done that. In most cases, a dance party is also well needed.

5. The morning after your girl’s night, you realize that having these gals is better than the boy 

Having your girls there for you in such a tough time actually helps so much. It helps save the tears, the constant replaying of memories in your head, and saves you the time you could be wasting if you're sinking into a deep sadness over something so dumb. That support system is vital for post-breakup, and even I know that.

6. You let him go one last time

Whether it be writing a letter, throwing away all your old memories with him, or by finally getting all your clothes back from his place that have piled up over the past few months or years. It is a truly bittersweet feeling and might even hurt a little, but it's time. You're going to thrive without him.

7. You truly know how much better you’re doing without him

You have reached the point of no return. You’re finally thriving without him. You’re never going back, and you know how much potential your life has and how much better you are without him. Your heart is whole again.

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