Growing up, I loved watching pageants. The ladies were beautiful, especially in their evening gowns, and they all seemed incredibly talented. They looked perfect in their bathing suits and with the Miss. USA pageant specifically, I always had fun cheering for the different states I’ve lived in.

Now, though, I’m conflicted. Putting young women on a stage and judging them by their appearance seems awfully sexist. We don’t have young men wearing tuxedos and speedos parading their looks and talents on stage for a “Mr. USA.”

But the women we watch are more than their physical appearance— they display practiced talents and memorize dozens of important topics in order to have an educated answer for the question they’re asked on stage. There’s a rigorous selection process, including difficult questions about difficult topics, before they even reach TV. They work hard for months leading up to what we see on TV and that dedication is something I admire, along with their looks.

But there’s something debilitating about pageants like Miss USA, too. Their perfectly flat stomachs, perfectly perky breasts, and perfectly rounded butts are all on display during the swimsuit portion and I can’t help but look at my own body in comparison. I’m too flat-chested to ever look good in a bikini.

I’m barely 100 pounds, which means that I’m thin, but not toned, with absolutely no curves. Watching those women strut in their heels, I know that I will never look that good.

Beyond physicality, I compare my talents. While I can read and critique literature, write essays and craft poetry, research and analyze, I don’t have many talents that can be performed on stage.

I took singing lessons, but nothing that would make me worthy of Miss USA. I greatly admire the ladies who do practice and perfect performable talents but seeing specific talents celebrated while mine remain labeled as “nerdy” is disappointing. Am I really talented at all if I can’t mount a stage and show off?

I’m a feminist though. I believe in equality and female empowerment. How can pageants be empowering when they make so many women, such as myself, feel bad? But some women claim that pageants give them opportunities to discuss important topics and become confident in themselves and their bodies. How can I not support them then?

Ultimately those are questions that every person, especially women, must answer for themselves, and so I’ll start with myself. I will watch the pageant and admire everything that these young women have to offer while reminding myself that my value is not found in comparison to other women, but in being confident in who I am. I am beautiful. I am talented. I will never be Miss USA, but that’s ok. I don’t need to be.