Grief. Not everyone understands what it means to grieve. It's not just missing someone you love, it's the black hole in your heart where they used to be. It's knowing that there is no way to stop missing them. When you miss someone, you can just call them or go visit them, but when you are grieving someone, you are conscious of the fact that you can't do those things anymore.
Everyone grieves differently, which is hard for people to understand sometimes. Some people give things away, some people act irrational, some people keep everything the way it is, and some people learn to cope and keep moving on. Grief NEVER goes away, which is also something people don't understand. You carry it with you everywhere you go, and sometimes it can be unbearable and some days it's okay.
I lost several people in my life who were close to me. My grandpa, Papa, great grandmother, and my brother Adam. I lost my grandpa in 2006, and at only 7 years old, I didn't quite understand what that entailed. Of course I missed him, but I was more wrapped up in the fact that he was gone. Where did he go? He'll be back right? Unfortunately, he won't (obviously).
Next was my brother, Adam. He was almost 5 months old when he passed away. I keep replaying that day in my head, like I could somehow turn back time and change what happened. I was in denial then at 8 years old, and probably still am at 19.
When my great grandmother passed away, I coped better knowing that she lived a long life, and no one lives forever. However, my family changed, not physically because obviously someone was missing, but our dynamic changed. We got more sentimental and nostalgic.
When my Papa passed away it felt like my whole world changed. I woke up knowing that he passed away without being told. I couldn't handle it then and I sure can't handle it now. It was a totally different feeling. I was 12, so I was a little older than when my other family members passed away. I was also very attached to my Papa; I always was growing up. It made me feel like nothing mattered after that point. I felt alone and depressed and again in denial.
People say time heals everything and maybe it does for some people, but not for me. The amount of times I've wanted to call my Papa and tell him what I've accomplished or ask him about something is crazy. This feeling of loss that I feel every single day isn't a feeling I would wish upon my worst enemy. However, I acknowledge I am not alone. That it the most important thing for anyone experiencing grief should know, you are not alone. Don't let yourself go through this alone,because that will only make it worse.