I'm jealous of every laughing face I see when I walk into the flames of the fire that is college. I've sat by myself at dining halls enough to know that hearing the conversations others have while walking past me is what digs my grave further. The loneliness itself of only hearing my own thoughts everyday while everyone else is hearing a welcoming hello, is what has only made my heart hurt more.
This is what it's like to be lonely.
Crowded spaces are only hunting grounds for your anxiety to come onto the scene and swallow your everlasting hope. The friends you thought you once had are actually only figments of your imagination because if they were real friends, you'd never really be alone. You sit by yourself, act like you're talking to someone on your phone, and tell yourself time after time that it'll all be okay because at least for the moment no one is bothering you.
This is what it's like to be lonely.
You go back to your dorm room and you sink swiftly into the solace of your comforter so no one else can see the tears falling down your face. You cover up the knot in your throat with pills and more cough syrup until your own cognition has turned down and you're asleep. At least when you're asleep the loneliness is a dream instead of your real life.
This is what it's like to be lonely.
Every group of people that walk by your room laugh to each other the whole way down the hallway while you're sitting in the darkness of your bed because you're scared to try. You do homework on the fifth floor of the library in a small room so that no one bothers you because it's the rule that you're not allowed to talk. Day after day you dream of someone making you feel worthy of being alive, but the reality is that maybe you're not worthy to be alive at all.
This is what it's like to be lonely.
After a certain time of being lonely, people start noticing your distance from them and they reach out. You continue getting further away from them for fear of getting hurt again, but you still decide in the end to let them in. After awhile you wished you wouldn't have and you pick the broken pieces of yourself off the floor. You go back to distancing everyone and not speaking to anyone.
This is what it's like to be lonely.
After awhile of spending days not speaking to anyone, you wonder if the world would ever miss you if you left it. You begin seeing the friend groups without you in it. You begin seeing an empty chair in your classrooms you once sat in. You begin hearing conversations without real mention of your name because you believe wholeheartedly that you don't exist in the minds of others. After all, if you did exist then maybe someone would've noticed.
This is what it's like to be lonely.
Loneliness is scary. To the person reading this, the words themselves may be scary. But this is reality. Days go by and I feel nothing but alone and easily replaceable by every person in my life. I see situations without me in it and I can clearly see the simplicity of nothingness. To the person reading this, you may be feeling lonely, but I want you to know that I feel loneliness right now too. And maybe since we're both feeling lonely, we can come together and feel alive once again.
Maybe that's what we deserve.