It is the same question you get every year on your birthday, “Do you feel any different now that you are (insert said age) now?” Every year I would answer the question the same way, no. For the longest time, I was waiting for the moment to feel different, to feel older, and that time finally came for me.
For some it came when they turned sixteen and could drive a car without an adult, some it was turning eighteen and being able to vote and buy lottery tickets, but for me, it was turning twenty-one. I never thought I would feel much different than I did any other birthday, it was just going to be different because I could order a drink legally. Boy, was I wrong? It wasn’t the moment the clock struck midnight, even though I was enjoying a movie with my friends, it wasn’t when I went out to Buckhead and drank a little more than I should have, and it wasn’t when I could order a drink with dinner. All of these things were great, but it was the moment that I didn’t have to pretend to be older than I was or to be somebody that I wasn’t. I could just be me. I could just be the twenty-one-year-old girl having a drink at the bar. I could just be the girl going out for Marg Monday with friends. I finally didn’t have to hide and let me tell you, that is one of the best feelings in the world.
As somebody who has struggled with being who they are for such a long time, this has been the most freeing experience. It has shown me that the girl who hated herself for so long for not looking like everybody else, was being stupid because she wasn’t meant to be like those other girls. I finally saw that, yeah I might look different than other people, but you know what that was okay because different is good. The moment I went out with my friends to the bars, that was step one, I could hand somebody my ID with pride and know that I wasn’t hiding behind layers of makeup and hair products to look like someone else. It was the moment that I could sit in a restaurant and enjoy a drink without having to look over my shoulder every moment.
To some, it sounds like the most insane thing, but for me, it set me free. I finally wasn’t worried if people were going to look at me if I dressed nicely for class. I wasn’t worried about what people thought of me as I walked through Walmart with a hardcore RBF, no makeup, and lounge clothes on. I finally took pride in what I looked like and enjoyed wearing lipstick again, not just because I had to for work.
I finally feel like I am me. I am the person who may not know what she is doing all of the time and doesn’t really know what is going to be happening in the next ten years, but I can take pride in who I am today. A couple of months ago I wrote an article about somebody bringing me down for who I was, and yes there are days when I still feel like that person who doesn’t want to eat or that I am not good enough for somebody, but then I look at me in the mirror and realize, you know what, I am not the problem. I am a great person who just loves to love. I have had such a negative outlook on life for so long, and I think I have finally reached the changing point in my life.
There is a time in everybody’s life that just changes how they see things, some for the better and unfortunately some for the worst, but for me, it was for the better. I may not be where I want to be at the end of everything, but all I know is, I am finally one step closer to it and for that, I will say, “Thank you, Gail.” You may not know it, but you are the reason behind this. It took me days to realize it but you said those three words, and it all made sense to me, “you look different.” Those three little words meant everything to me.