An Open Letter to my Dad in Heaven

Hailey Koziol
Fri, 08 Feb 2019 20:32:32 +0000
Heaven, Father, Dad, Love, Miss, Daughter, Death, Cancer

Dear Dad,

Nearly 7 years without you. I've never been one to really express my emotions regarding your passing and life in general. I never wanted to face the real reality of pain, heartbreak, and sadness, etc. I feel as though I just pushed those emotions away because I wanted to try to be strong for those I love.

I still can't comprehend the whole situation. I may never be able to comprehend it but you're in a much better place now. I feel so empty and lost without you. Your life was taken way too soon. I had to finish middle school without you, experience high school, graduate without my biggest role model, and start my crazy college adventure. I still don't know how I did it. I wouldn't be nearly as strong as I am today if it weren't for you. The strength you have given me is unfathomable. Everything I do in this life and every big decision I make I think of you and what you would advise or want me to do.

You would've given your shirt off your back for anyone. You were the most forgiving person I ever met even when I dented your car the day you got it, or when I decided to draw on the deck with a pen and lied about it. You put the four of us first and made sure we were happy. Even when you were experiencing your biggest battle. Cancer. You didn't have a mean bone in your body and you surely didn't deserve all of the harsh things that life threw your way. Seeing you lay lifeless broke my heart. Getting that phone call August 1st tore all of us apart. Riding on the airplane 700 miles away from home to say our final goodbye to you is something I didn't understand at 12 years old. I wish I would've given you the biggest hug ever and told you that we would be okay. The truth is will we ever fully be okay? No, but we have learned day by day better ways to cope with your loss and we have come a long way. We know you would be proud of all of us.

Mom has done one hell of a job taking care of us. The strength I see in her is absolutely incredible, you would be so proud. While I am torn that you won't be here for the monumental moments in my life I know you will watching down smiling at the person I am becoming. What I would do to go back and watch golf with you even though I hated it or even fold laundry with you when you were sitting there alone. You comforted me when I was scared and held me when I was sad. Those are memories I will cherish forever.

I tell my best friends about you all of the time. I've shown one on my closest friends your grave. I get a text from my best friend on your birthday every year giving me strength and comfort, telling me how strong I have been and how proud of me she is. I wish they could've met you. We still celebrate your birthday every year, you're always here with us even if that means not physically. I'm still figuring out how to deal with your loss but you're constantly on my mind and nothing will change that. I hope to be half of the person you were someday.

Love your little girl