A Letter to: My first true love

Sarah Lunsford
Wed, 04 Oct 2017 02:37:27 +0000

Names in this article have been changed.

Dear Clyde,

We met when I was young, I had a lot more mental problems than I do now but you were there to help and watch me grow. Encouraging me to leave my room even though I didn't want to, finding new hobbies to keep my mind off all the negative things in my life. What made me realize that this was not just puppy love was all the late night phone calls, every "Happy Birthday" and our first night living together. You looked at me with those sparkling eyes and a smile that could put any girl in a trance. You know I have a low self-esteem but with you I felt like the only girl in the world, I felt more love for myself when we were together. For this I want to say thank you so much for building me up and being my rock.

We used to have so much fun, you left me with a ton of memories. What I remember most is how you held me tight at night and made me feel safe. Not the kind of safe when you are with your parents but the kind of safe as being on your own for the first night and you get real comfortable in your new place. I feel scared of a lot of things but when we talk and you are around I am the bravest I have ever been.

We have known each other since 2013, that is a long time in my eyes. Who you were when I fell in love you is a different person than who you were when I left. I am a different person too, you taught me a lot about myself and the real world. Things that they don't teach you in school. Like how to make popcorn on a fire, how to wash clothes in the creek, how to stand up for myself and most importantly that if it was meant to be, it will be.

Towards the end of our relationship I noticed how comfortable I was with you, how comfortable you were with me. I also noticed how our situation changed us both. We fought more, and intentionally hurt each other just because we were angry at our situation. Even though we fought we still had fun. We talked for hours under the stars, we played cards and danced to music in the streets. Now whenever I'm lonely or I hear a song that reminds me of you I think about those times and it never fails to make me smile.

When I left you, I had no idea that it would hurt as bad as it did. I mourned you for months and sometimes I find myself reading our old messages and listening to our songs and wondering where it all it went wrong. I blame myself, I blame you, I blame our cards, and I blame life. Losing you was like losing a huge part of my heart. I felt my heart shatter into a million tiny pieces and could barely find a reason to get out of bed. So I got a job, went back to school and now I am doing so much better for myself. I am healing but my feelings for you haven't changed. I just got stronger, I try harder to get my life where I want it to be. Hoping one day it will be time, and we will be great together.

I am so sorry I had to leave you but it was leave or watch myself crash over a cliff with you. Now we are both doing well, so I know I made the right choice. Maybe one day our lives will put us together again but right now I have to remember that a wise man once told me "only time will tell". If we do end up together it will be better, if not I will always remember the love we had.

Love always,

Your Bonnie.