If you love someone, let them go, even if it breaks you.

Emma Nicole Germanotta
Sun, 11 Nov 2018 06:15:44 +0000

I don't know if anyone can relate, but just know, you're not alone, and I'm sorry you had to take a detour through a rocky road instead of a smooth one, but I'm proud of you, and I'm so glad you're still here.

14 years ago, I met my best friend in our tiny trailer first grade classroom at a suburban school in Florida. We were both immigrants and barely spoke English without an accent (at least I remember mine being really bad).

12 years ago, our gerrymandered district had a crappy rule to take half of the students of a certain zip-code and move them to another school. Upset at first to be separated from a place I began to feel comfortable in and away from friends I began to cherish, by miracle, my first-grade friend was in the same exact position as I was at this new adventure of a new school.

8 years ago, after countless memories of my friend and I scouting books amidst the fresh-crisp smell of the annual Scholastic book fairs, imitating imaginary stories of us living out scenes of our favorite 4kids!Tv and Disney shows, our storybook continued into a new chapter as we even ended up at the same middle school.
Our 6th grade year was the first year since 1st grade that we actually had a class together...and it was gym. We laughed at a conspiracy that our school districts made sure that we would never be in the same class together again because we were accused of cheating on our spelling test in first grade (also my fault, let's be real, I didn't understand what cheating even was but yeah, talking during a test proved I wasn't a bright Einstein-to-be).

7 years ago, you started expanding your niche of friends, as did I. We always seemed to draw in the same people and I never felt like I didn't belong in your niche, and I hope you felt the same back then. You motivated me to have hobbies; your art inspired me, and I want you to know that you were an inspiration, not a competition.
We spent every lunch period with our squad of 8. Hayley and Sarah laughing louder than the school bells, Michaela and I teasing Nelson and having crazy antics (I wonder if that lunchables bologna is still on that wall; it was there 1.5 years later before we graduated), and Iris sharing her new, smaller phone every month. Oh, and Madison talking to us about the latest Fanfiction fantasies that made us just a tad bit uncomfortable.
We also had our annual Christmas parties at your house and we made home-video skits and gave each other stationary ink tramp stamps at your birthday and beat the fiesta out of the Walmart pinatas at my birthdays.

6 years ago, we finally began to feel like independent adults. We were big bad high schoolers, and it was really a time for us to find ourselves. My grandma carpooled you to school with me and dropped you off at the gas station every day during middle school, but you no longer needed it now.
In the beginning of Freshman year, we had one block of lunch together one day, yet the second block day we didn't. We still sat together and shared a friend group, but this is when I began to feel that we were beginning to grow more distant. It was kinda weird not seeing you as often as we had been for the past 8 years.
We had no classes together.

5 years ago, I fell in love with my friend group, I was so excited to go to school every day just to hang out and see what antics we would be up to. I began to form my own personality, and I guess you did too. I wouldn't know what had happened because I don't remember seeing you around as often, or even talking to you anymore. You still came to my birthday, I think, as you did every year, but you didn't really talk to me. I started being more clingy, maybe, but at the time I didn't realize it. I was just so scared to lose you just because we stopped talking, or didn't have anything in common, because this exact same thing happened with our other mutual first grade friend just the year before. I didn't want it to happen twice, and I didn't want to lose you too, but I'm pretty sure I went about it the wrong way, and I'm really sorry.
We still had no classes together.

4 years ago, was my prime time academic year. I spent a lot of time talking with my upperclassmen about preparing for applying to colleges and how to prepare for getting good scores on the SATs and ACTs. I really had to step up my game and I was fully committed. I gave it my all into my academics and I'm pretty sure I pushed a lot of people away this year, and I pushed a lot of my usual self away too just because I had a lot of other things compounding my stress.
My normal friend group was also starting to focus more on applications so I felt distanced, my grandma broke her hip, my grandad didn't get along with my grandma (or me) at home, my dog died, and I felt like I was too mediocre as a person to make it into a good college because I could only compare myself to the others around me, and the only advice I had received was to just try harder.
We finally had our first official class together (not counting 6th grade gym) since first grade; a decade later. I was so excited to have this chance to reconnect with you and catch up on what's been going on with you and your family and to have a place to feel safe and wanted and escape from all the craziness going on behind my feigned smile...but, I just felt like you were also wanting to distance yourself from me. You reassured me that you were just tired, and yeah, it was 8am physics and you never were a morning person, but these demons in my head just kept taunting me about how I wasn't trying hard enough to be a good friend to you, how I wasn't invested enough in you, how I was selfish and uncaring and I didn't deserve to have you as a friend and I was going to lose you. It must have been so annoying for you to have me ask you all the time if we were okay, but do understand that I was fighting a battle inside my head, every day, and the battle wasn't even there to begin with, but my actions were brewing one.
We worked on our first and last science fair project together, we had to build a telescope to explain light refraction and eye perception. I was really excited to work with you but it was really hard to have your lack of contact when it came to deadlines. Now, I know it wasn't such a big deal, but I was so stuck on being a perfect student that I impressed my (unattainable) standards on you, and I'm really sorry.
We had our first "real life" conversation in your backyard around dawn, as your brother was having fun either on the swings or in the sandbox. You expressed to me how you were finally, for nearly the first time, getting excited about where life was going to take you. You felt like there was finally something that made you happy and look forward to outside of school and it's an adventure you're ready to begin. I was really happy about you opening up to me and us finally having a real conversation because I missed just hanging out and being real and enjoying each other's company.

3 years ago, was our final year in high school. All the stressors and applications, 16+ exams, 8 classes, 5 to 6 of which were AP/ib, basically broke everyone. It was really hard to cope with anything at that time because all of our class group had way too much weight and too many expectations on our fragile 17/18 year old shoulders. We had, I think, 2 classes together that year, and maybe 3. I was really excited that even though we never really had classes together, we could end our senior year like this, with a bang. I was naive and imagined that having this much time together would open us to building a strong bond that would get us through the rest of life no matter where our destinies deviate.
I was at my worst at that point. My parents were fighting constantly, and I mean from the minute I came home, to the minute I went to bed (and far longer after I fell asleep, if I even did). I was my most insecure and I felt like I was losing everyone in my life. I didn't feel needed by anyone and I couldn't stop thinking about having perfect grades for a perfect GPA and breaking 2000 on the SATs so that I could go to a college far away from home and start over.
I hadn't eaten normal for a little over a year now and I could tell my physical condition was being a bother to you. I used to make remarks like, well I'm skinny because ____ is skinny, but I didn't mean it in the way to say that "I'm skinny because I want to be like you", I just wanted the pressure of that sort of attention off of me because I was trying to juggle so much more than I know physics taught us was humanely possible.
You distanced yourself so much then and I always felt like a burden. I called your phone like 3 times in a few hours over --i don't remember what but I'm sure it was something like "please tell me we're still cool, please tell me you don't hate me" etc. That was the first time you told me straight up that something was wrong and that you needed your space.
Being as sick as I was --mentally and physically-- I couldn't comprehend what you meant because it felt like all we had between us was space and I was trying to close the gap so that it wouldn't grow to big to begin with, but only 3 years later would I finally come to realize that I must have been so controlling and overbearing on your life and I never took into consideration what stressors you may have been going through and how you had felt, so I'm sorry.
At my 18th Birthday party was the first year where the annual birthday cards we drew for each other....you didn't finish yours. You just handed me the half-finished, uncolored torn printer paper and just said "sorry, I just didn't feel like finishing it".
I cried.
I hated myself.
I just stopped eating entirely.

The story still continues into college, but if anyone cares about this then maybe I'll consider continuing it.
My point is, that mental health plays such a big role in how we perceive the world around us, how we comprehend our actions on others and others' actions upon us, and in how we perceive ourselves. Reading back at all of this and looking at all the shit I put my ex-best friend through really does make me seem like a clingy, creep, and it really makes me hate myself more at how blind I was, but that's just the thing---being in a bad mental and physical place, especially for extended periods of time can make someone so delusional. Their lack of self worth and exponentially growing self hate, self pity, just swallows them whole and it seems like no one steps in before things get too far because no one really knows how to approach or deal with such things until a full on wreck explodes.

I'm really proud and excited for the mental health reform surging through many schools and campuses and am an avid supporter for healthy bodies, healthy minds, and work to oppose mental stigma in the best ways I can on my campus and amongst my friend group.
If you see someone acting abnormal from their usual self for an extended period of time, please reach out to them, with love and care, or to someone you trust to talk to them for you. Never just assume and impose a certain label on someone --you are not a doctor and cannot diagnose them-- and be mindful of the consequences of your actions if you choose to reach out to a second party when deciding to intervene with someone.
I love you all very much and am very proud of any hardships you may have encountered in order to get to where you are, and don't you allow anyone to downplay your struggles or emotions because even if someone "can relate", only you can feel how you're feeling.

Feel free to reach out to me for any questions, concerns, memes, or just if you need someone.