Anyone who knows me well enough can probably guess what is in the content of this article by the headline. The reason I'm talking about this is that often times people want to downplay my fears or just outright don't understand them and what I can deal with when it comes to them.
Let's start with the fear that has haunted me for as long as I can remember: needles. I have spent my entire memorable life afraid of needles. I'm not talking sewing needles, because I love sewing, or knitting needles or just general sharp things. Though I have yet to get one myself, I did really well comforting my friend when she got a tattoo so perhaps the fear doesn't apply here either--to be updated.
I'm talking about doctor needles for shots and IVs and drawing blood. As I write this even, I swear my body temp just dropped and so did my stomach. That's how real the fear is for me. And don't give me that bullshit, "Oh, it doesn't hurt," or, "You barely even notice it."
1. It's not about the pain, it's an irrational fear and 2. yes, I fucking do.
If you're afraid of spiders, when you see one, you can't stop seeing it. If I know I have to get a shot, if I see the little basket they use to bring the stuff in, I have to look away because my whole body will start to tense and my breathing will quicken –– my body's way of warning me that I may have a panic attack. I have to do everything in my power to ignore the thing causing this panic. I no longer kick and scream at the mention of shots, but I sure as hell won't sit there quietly while they stick a needle in me and dig around.
Let's round out this article with a more recent fear of mine: being alone in thunderstorms. If I'm with someone else, it doesn't immediately cancel out the fear as I'm still hyper-aware of them, but it does ease that panicky feeling I get when I'm alone.
My reaction to this is a panic attack, of course, because there is pretty much no escaping it. If I'm at home, I'll put in my headphones and blast music; if I'm in the car, I'll turn up the radio as loud as I can deal with, but that's all I can do. There is truly no escape.
There is a reason behind this fear, at least. When I was 14 years old, shortly after we moved to our new house, I had just gotten home from something while it was raining and no one was home. This wasn't anything new for me, my parents had been letting me stay home alone since I was 10 or 11. I was watching TV and was so focused on whatever it was that I didn't notice how bad the storm outside had gotten. Soon, the power got knocked out.
I freaked out and was attempting to call my parents as the storm got worse. At this point, I was in full panic attack, sobbing on my living room couch and not a single person was picking up their phones. When they finally got home, I was freaked out beyond belief, and seven years later, that experience still haunts me and replicates itself every time I'm alone during a thunderstorm.
So, while my fears may seem "childish" to some people, they are just as real as the panic attacks they give me. So don't make jokes or tease me because you can't possibly understand what it's like for me to face those things.