Lately, I have been struggling a little bit more being away from the few friends that I have down at Illinois State University. I know a lot of people struggle with things that happened in the past but for me, it always seems to be a reoccurring nightmare.
For years I have always had my best friends leave and to this day I feel like it's my fault. I am constantly questioning if I did something to make them angry, what I could have done to ruin it, or just thinking no one really ever truly cared about me.
Everyone always says friends drift away when you go away to college but that's not the issue that I have. First, in junior high, I ruined a friendship that was my fault and I admit to it. I learned from it but I lost some of my best friends during that time. Next, in high school, my first best friend was just overall mean. She didn't seem to really care about me. I had one other friend that I was actually friends with and saw outside of school. We continued to keep up for most of the first year into college until she stopped talking to me.
Now the friend I made at college has stopped talking to me. I know she is dealing with things but I haven't heard from her in over three months besides one text to say she's ok. I've finally heard back from her but it worries me that she's only responding because I am overbearing. This makes me start to think I am a loser and pathetic. That something has to be wrong with me for me to not to have friends. The only person I feel like is actually a hang out friend is my roommate but I don't want to bother her.
It's gotten to the point where because I am not out doing things with friends during the summer I feel like a failure. This stresses me out even more when I think about the fact that this may be the rest of my life. It makes me feel so miserable and I hate it. I hate being here worrying about everyone.
This is really hard to write and admit because I don't think I have ever told anyone that. I feel like now everyone who ever has any sort of relationship with me is going to leave.
I guess I just wanted to tell anyone else who feels like this that they aren't alone and to get this off my chest. It's been eating me from the inside for years now.