I'm Not The Favorite Child And I Know It

I'm Not The Favorite Child And I Know It

I may not have been my mom's favorite child but it's okay because I know that I am loved, no matter what.

Growing up, I never felt less loved than my brother but I knew he was my mom's favorite. It was never said but it was just a feeling I had. We were treated differently and my mom would give excuses saying that it was because "I was a girl" that I couldn't do the things my brother did. I would get in trouble for doing the same EXACT thing as my brother but I would get punished, where he wouldn't even get punished at all.

The thing is, they were close. There was a bond they had that my mom and I didn't have. There was this tangible connection they had. She had my brother first for three years and then I came along. A complete accident. I was never supposed to happen and sometimes, I felt that. I knew that I was not a planned child. My mom was happy with one son, whom she loved more than life itself. He caused her to want better for herself, not me. He was the golden ticket and I was an "Oh, shit."

I was dubbed the bad child because when I was young I made up stories. My imagination got me into trouble and though most of the time my stories weren't true, sometimes they were and I got accused of lying. The girl who cried wolf and I was the girl who cried wolf. Despite doing everything in my power from age 12 and higher to remove that image of myself, I failed. Even now as a grown adult, who believes in telling the truth (even if it hurts someone), gets blamed for childhood mistakes that my brother does not get blamed for. It's a double standard because "boys will be boys right?"

But girls who are mischievous and intelligent, oh boy, do they get a bad rep. It's healthy for boys but wrong for girls and I hate that hypocrisy. Fun fact about me: I never used drugs, I don't drink (even though I'm of age), and I never committed a crime but I'm the bad child. My brother, whom I love and respect, has done some "bad" things. But that was just what boys did and even though I didn't do what he did, I got blamed for innocent childhood mistakes that all kids make, where he did not.

It hurts knowing that you aren't number one but I know my mom loved me. I just wasn't my brother. I don't resent my brother, though some would think I do. If anything, I am happy that he was showed love and affection in more profound ways than me. No one ever said that my mom's favorite was my brother but it was just something I could see. It was not blatant but I was more observant than anyone thought. I saw the difference. I felt the difference.

My brother's needs were always more important than mine but that's because he was older. "He was first so he came first," is what she said. I knew better though. My brother was perfect in my mother's eyes and if he did something wrong then he was just "being a boy." If I was caught doing something wrong, I was terrible and had ulterior motives, instead of just innocent childhood mischief. I was a bad child who only wanted the worst things to happen. My mom said I was untrustworthy and a liar. The rumors spread though my family and soon I was the delinquent. The dumbest thing was when I was being accused I would just cop to doing whatever I was being blamed for instead of being yelled at. I would say anything to get my mom to stop accusing me. The truth is, I only did about a quarter of the things I was accused of. Did I cut the cats whiskers when I was like 6? Yeah, but I was just a child and it gets thrown up to me all the time, even to this day. Did I give the dog blue juice? Sure, but it wasn't out of malice, instead it was me (as a child) trying to give the dog variety. I didn't know it was bad for him, I just thought it must suck to only ever drink water.

I am a favorite to someone though. I am my Nan's favorite. It may be wrong but I just know I hold a special place in her heart. She helped me, trusted me and loved me, when no one else would. Even when my mom had skewed my brother's opinion about me, casting the shadow of a liar onto me that I still haven't escaped. Nan was the only one who truly listened to me and knew the truth. All I wanted was someone to hear me and the things I had to say. Nan did, she listened to my mundane stories about school and my boring life. She listened to me complain about my mom casting me as a terrible person and how badly I really was being bullied at school. She knew I wasn't a liar. She cared about my words. I always knew my Nan cared, without a doubt. So while I wasn't my mom's favorite, I am my Nan's and honestly, that works so much better for me because Nan is my favorite person too. I love her more than anyone can understand. I may not have been my mom's favorite child but it's okay because I know that I am loved, no matter what.

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You Make My Other Heartbreaks Easier

Your idea of unconditional love shattered me.

Everything was perfect. It was all too perfect. Our beliefs and values were the same because I thought I had to follow everything you believed in. You wanted our relationship to be perceived as "flawless." But as the days passed, I noticed our paths no longer crossed and the love we had for each other diminished. I thought you presented me with unconditional love, but unconditional love is never decreased or taken away.

Or is it?

You taught me that even something so innocent and precious can be ripped away in seconds.

And let me say this very clear: I will never forgive you for that.

I remember the constant fighting, I remember the heartwrenching sound of your silence, I remember the quiet tears running down my face as I begged you to reconsider what you were doing. But most of all, I remember the feeling of my heart aching after I realized the "perfect" perception I had of you was merely an act. The love you presented was all an act.

I remember seeing the wonderful image of you diminish in front of my very eyes and mold into a monster. How everything I knew about you was false, yet you shaped unconditional love for me for the rest of my life. How dare you mold such a beautiful concept into a painful one.

You left emotionally and transformed into someone I no longer recognize.

You left mentally and took a piece of me with you.

You left physically and your absence stung as it filled the cracks you created.

I asked, cried, screamed for you to understand what you were doing to me and all you needed to do was reassure me you were going to stop. Why couldn't you make the "perfect" image I had of you real and love me as you once did? You forced me to break down and question every other relationship I had. The one man in my life who I thought would continuously comfort and support me in everything I did suddenly stopped... you stopped because I changed.

The love you once had for me changed because I grew up.

I remember asking myself "if I hadn't shaped into the woman I am today, would you treat me differently?"

You stopped supporting my choices. You argued with my thoughts and made me feel vulnerable and unable to talk to you. You pushed my feelings aside and stopped understanding what I needed. You made me question everything I believed in. I asked myself, "is this what unconditional love is?"

I am not what you imagined me to become. I am certainly not what you signed up for, and I know I will never fulfill your "perfect" but fake picture. I am not sorry and I will never apologize for who I have become. I changed and you continued to distance yourself because I am not the woman you imagined. Is unconditional love meant to change?

After every relationship or fling I encounter, I hurt for a while but then your heartbreak overpowers the sting these men leave me with. I am sick of feeling the pain. I am tired of feeling insecure about speaking my truth because I still care what you think.

Why do I still care? Why do you hold a power over me that no one else does? How can I overcome someone who left me with an image I can never erase?

I am frightened to love again.

I am afraid I will use your standard of unconditional love to compare against my other relationships. I am terrified that the next person I one day trust my heart and soul with may follow the path you led me through blindly. I trusted you with these two items, and you shattered them in the blink of an eye.

You shattered me. Let that word resonate in your mind.

Is unconditional love meant to make you feel worthless at some point?

Your love was meant to stay forever. You were meant to protect me from the hardships in life and hold my hand through it all. Nothing will be as painful as the moment I learned the truth about your definition of unconditional love. The memory of you taking away everything I needed will forever burn in my mind.

You make every heartbreak easier because I never healed from yours.

Let these words shape the perception you have of yourself. Do you see the monster I see, or am I still a disappointment in your eyes?

Cover Image Credit: Katherine Chase / Unsplash

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6 Types Of Group Chats That You Are Probably In

A relatable list of all the group chats we are currently in.

Group chats could be a gift from God or a total nightmare. They could either consume your whole day and be a total distraction or could be left on "do not disturb" and never spoken in. Either way, it is clear that there are around 6 different types of group chats that people are usually in. As the years go on the settings and tools for group chats constantly advance but the people in the group chat remain the same.

1. The "Family" Group Chat

Family group chats are a place to brag about your accomplishments, ask to donate money to whatever philanthropy you are currently involved in, and for Grandma to send a text message with a million emojis.

Family group chats are not written in every day and are certainly not where you share your juicy gossip. However, they are important to catch up with your family who may live all over the country. Although every family is different, every family GROUP CHAT is the same.

2. The "Home Friends" Group Chat

This group chat is one you had forever, or at least since high school. It is your best friends in which you share all of your gossip with. However, things get tricky once college starts because most of you will separate and make new friends and overall new lives.

These group chats are home to countless ugly selfies, bad grade rants, homesick feelings, and much more. It is important to stay in touch with these friends if you are ever looking for a piece of home. These group chats are usually written in every day, but if it's not every day it will be at least a few times a week.

3. The "College Friends" Group Chat

This group chat is home to all the new, close friends you meet throughout the first semester of college. You guys are already close enough and it feels like your home friend group chat with a slight personality difference.

This group chat will stay with you for the next years of college and probably for years after that. You will share internship and job details here and not to mention who the latest significant other is. College friends are like the family you never had and you have 4 years to make countless memories.

4. The "Camp Friends" Group Chat

Anyone who went to camp knows how important these friends are. Although you usually only see these friends for 2 months out of the year, they are some of your closest friendships you will ever have. This group chat is used to count down the days until camp even if the number is at 344.

This group chat is used for vent sessions, discussions about Saturday night's party, "home friend" drama, and so much more. There is nothing better than looking forward to a weekend meet up with your summer family. Without your campies, you could find yourself lost.

5. The "Teen Tour Friends" Group Chat

For those who went on a teen tour, you know how close you can get to a group of people in just a few, short weeks (shoutout UCLA!). Teen tour friends are similar to camp friends however you only go on one trip together for one summer yet you come out as a big family of brothers and sisters from around the country.

Sometimes the teen tour group chat can die out a little bit but you know that as soon as you type in it, you will get instant responses. You will constantly reminisce about memories and confess how you would do ANYTHING to go back on that trip with the people you love. Even though after the trip you will all go your separate ways, you will always know in your heart they are just one text away for amazing support.

6. The "Class Friends" Group Chat

Nobody likes doing homework alone. Or homework at all for that matter. But when you have a group chat with friends from your class it makes life easier. These chats are used for due date questions, homework help, and sometimes a way to see what's going on a Friday night. Even though these are not your closest friends, it is still a great way to receive homework help and any other questions you may have throughout the semester.

As you can tell, group chats are vital. It is hard to think back to the times where we did not have this luxury. It is interesting to think about how many group chats we are actually in and how each group chat has a different personality and atmosphere. I know that without my group chats I would be lost in the world, and I'm sure everybody else feels the same way.

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