A Fast Food Love Story

A Fast Food Love Story

Valentine's Day has never been so GREASY

So in my head, as a child, I always kind of just ASSUMED that Dairy Queen and Burger King were dating. Blame it on my exposure to disastrous heteronormativity when I was younger, or call it a way for my then less developed brain to rationalize why these two establishments existed, EITHER WAY, the facts don’t change. They were dating.

One was dairy, delicious desserts and such, and the other was burgers, the main entree. Made enough sense at the time. However, what did not make any sense was assuming that Burger King would ever be the actual KING of all the other fast food joints that existed. I had plenty of other favorites and definitely personally believed their food was not hitting the mark.

Thus (ayyee where my language ppl), I began to search for answers. What did it all mean? The vast imaginary playground that was fast food hierarchy. I had to know, so I created my own reality.

I decided that Dairy Queen and Burger King were a thing ONCE UPON A TIME, but for sure broke up because Burger King basically became a deadbeat dad to their child: McDonald's. And as we all know, McDonald's is the most widespread fast food chain in the world other than Subway, but I think we can agree McDonald's is perceived as more ubiquitous.

This story made sense to me because kids who experience extreme absence in their life, such as McDonald's, can actually be motivated to achieve more because of this. Whether it be by circumstance or a natural ability to persevere, McDonald's pushed through the absence of Burger King and even surpassed it in relevance and quality (the fries especially).

However, Dairy Queen was still young and didn’t want to live the rest of her franchise alone. Luckily, once Dairy Queen had a location in Columbus, Ohio... she met Wendy(s). So, despite much pushback from her conservative grandfather, Colonel Sanders (KFC), Dairy Queen and Wendy’s started a franchise-long relationship together.

They even adopted a child, Taco Bell.

Because I was a child I really didn’t get past the McDonald’s portion of the story when I was 10 before I moved on to think about some other random garbage, but I like this version better.

Maybe you have a conspiracy theory as well? Who knows, just don’t go out on a date to any of these places this Valentine’s Day. Unless you’re alone, then definitely go to all of them and purchase each’s respective best menu item and have yourself a buffet.

You deserve it.

Cover Image Credit: Sketchport

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