My life for the past 20 years has been steeped in privilege; one of these privileges, in particular, has been running wild in my thoughts as of late. Growing up, I was surrounded by an incredibly tight-knit family and especially supportive parents. While encouragement and affection were always at the forefront of my upbringing, it took me until my later years in high school to fully understand this as being a true luxury. A luxury not afforded to many, and one I became increasingly grateful for as I recognized its rarity and significance. The flip side to this reality is that many children grow up with discouraging parents, or absent parents, or even no parents. This alternative reality is why I understand my upbringing to be a complete privilege.

I think this privilege floats around my mind so often because of how it's manifested itself in my life, and what it'll mean going forward. I'll never know what a life devoid of genuine love and support is like, but I assume that it would've shaped me entirely differently.

I've always considered myself to be a driven and ambitious girl, but I sometimes wonder if I would still be as motivated were it not for my family and friends' support. Would I push myself as hard if they hadn't always been here telling me that I could accomplish what I was setting out for? It's not that my aspirations in life aren't my own, but I wonder if believing in myself enough to achieve these goals has come from others or me. Sure, the products of this motivation end in my benefit, but I also know that at the end always lies something for my family and friends to be proud of, too. I guess I question who I'm really working for, myself or my family and friends?

By nature, I've always had a penchant for creating; I like painting, sketching, sewing, etc. Every time I finish a project, whether it's a new garment or illustration, I feel a surging sense of accomplishment. However, nothing — and I mean nothing — can top the way others' feedback on these projects makes me feel. The rush of pride and fulfillment that I get from positive feedback is unmatched. I don't necessarily like to think that I depend on this feedback, but there's a feeling of emptiness that lingers around after the compliments die down. It's in that hollowness that I believe my fear roots itself; the fear that the next project or endeavor might not be a success like the last.

This fear, moreover, doesn't lie in the outcome itself necessarily, but in the reality of the unknown. I know my skill sets and my capabilities, but I don't always know what lies beyond them. I know that I can create, but what happens if my creativity falls short? My concern isn't with myself, I know I can recover from a messily sewn blazer, but rather, with others. What happens if I fail them? That is exactly what I don't and can't know; that is where my fear comes from.

There have been a handful of instances in my life where I've either opted out or quit an opportunity due to my fear of failing at them. I guess I just assumed that if I didn't bother to do something in the first place, I'd never have the chance to fail at it. "Nobody can see me fall from the pedestal of potential if I never climb up and place myself there," I'd think to myself. I know, now, that this thinking is severely flawed and is something I constantly try to stray away from. However, I still battle with the "what wills" often.

For instance, my major, fashion design, is one of the most questionable choices I've had to make to date. What will people think if I don't find a solid job in my career field? What will people think if I can't keep up with the demands of the fashion industry? There are plenty more, but I'll keep those tucked away for now. The real point is that if these things don't pan out, I do know that I've let my support team down. The potential I might've had went unfulfilled.

I don't wish to dredge the whole piece in cynicism, so I feel that it's necessary to find some solace in this reflection. While, at times, I fear the possibility of failure that looms over any situation, I also know that success has its chance. Some choices, projects, or opportunities are riskier than others, and higher risks tend to bring with them heightened fear. Nevertheless, I fully understand that there is no possibility for success without venturing into the risk. I think this reality offers an important contrast of risk vs. success. No matter the end result, at least I tried. In failure or in success, I've reached a place where I believe finding out is better than not.

As it goes, my fear is allayed mostly by the comfort I find in gratitude. I'm incredibly grateful for the family and friends who've consistently rooted for me. The amount of reassurance I've received throughout my life has undoubtedly built the foundation for the belief I have in myself. I think I'm most grateful, though, for the fact that my family and friends have never and will never fail in their support for me.