“No one will love you until you learn to love yourself”.

It seems like it makes sense, right? Right, but it can be terrifying to think about if you suffer from depression. The anxiety begins, “What if I don’t learn? What if I can’t learn”. I feared, for years, that I would end up alone. As a teenager, we are already filled with angst, consumed with trying to find ourselves and longing for that “high school sweetheart” kind of love. Add in a mental disorder and things become kind of... messy.

Loving myself was not an easy task. I struggled for as long as I can remember and I still struggle from time to time. I’ve accepted that feeling- the one that is impossible to shake- and I’ve let it reside quietly within my soul. Why? Because I have found my strength. My depression won't consume me. It doesn’t care that I am in a healthy, loving relationship. It doesn’t care that there is a man that puts a smile on my face every single day. That he tells me how beautiful I am and loves every bit of my flaws. My depression doesn’t see how much this man cares for me. But I care and I see it- and I am forever grateful for the nights he wraps his arms around me while I cry for no reason and the days he reaches for my hand because he sees it’s shaky due to my anxiety. He puts up with random periods of aggravation and irritability. He calms my breathing when I begin to panic. He sees me when I can be weak and reminds me how to be strong.

My boyfriend sent me this quote:

“You loved her so hard, you forgot to hate yourself. You even began to get out of bed early, instead of not at all, just to see her lovely face. You were so busy loving her, you didn’t even notice all the wilted flowers inside of you were starting to grow back and you were trying so hard to impress her that you finally cleaned up your mess of a life and maybe it wasn’t spotless, but it was still enough. You stopped slumping your shoulders and started looking people in the eye. She made you want to get better and you did- God, you did get better. Her touch made you feel things you haven’t been able to feel in a long time. You loved her so much, you fell in love with yourself.”

Of course, I cried because I always do. But it showed me that he sees growth in me. It inspired me because it perfectly explained that feeling of overcoming your mental disorder and letting love in. Falling in love with him has made me a better person. I actually set goals and achieve them. I gained confidence and set out to use my voice- the same voice that I always kept quiet because I never thought anyone cared what I had to say. He cared and he still cares. Loving him showed me the kind of human being I am and the kind of wife and mother I hope to be someday. Loving him made me fall in love with myself.

Don't let depression, anxiety, or any other mental disorder keep you from finding your someone. Everyone has one and when you two cross paths... Fall in love- fall hard and let that feeling consume you.

Love so hard that you forget to hate yourself. Love so hard that you fall in love with yourself, too.