I don't know if one ever fully grasps losing someone, especially if they were taken in the most unfair of ways. As each day, week, and month passes, your subconscious pushes your foremost thoughts of them to the back of your mind, fooling you into believing you've finally gotten a handle on it. You only think of the good memories as triggers pop up, such as the lion they put on their head to sing you "The Circle of Life" when you were upset or annoying the flirt they put in their place by grabbing your phone one day. You play back those happy times in your head and stupidly believe that you're coming to terms with what has happened.

And then one morning on your way to work, you drive past the curve where it happened for probably the millionth time. You are alright. You have done it before. And then one of their favorite songs begins to play through the speakers of your car. And in that moment, as you speed down the road, every single emotion trickles back into your head, suffocating you as you try to choke back the tears and focus on the road ahead of you until you just can't do it anymore. The floodgates open as you pull into the parking lot and you wonder what would be worse: explaining to your boss why you are a blubbering mess or being late for work?

That night, instead of the memories, your mind is filled with "what ifs" and "what could have beens." If they were still here, this was something they would have loved, that was something they would have done in a heartbeat, and so on and so forth. You let those thoughts consume you as you curl up in a ball, wearing their sweatshirt and breathing in their scent as you beg the tears not to fall. You know they wouldn't want you to cry.

Slowly, your bad night turns back into a good day and you ponder why you still think those thoughts. You try to figure out yet again what God's reason for this was, and again you draw a blank, admitting once more that no one can truly figure out God's plan.

Faith is having a reason, and in order to somewhat cope with and grasp reality, they have to be your reason to have faith. At the very least, have faith that they are always, Always, ALWAYS with you, even if they aren't climbing in your window or going to Narnia through your wardrobe.

Hold onto the good times and let the triggers be good in this instance. Let go of your "what ifs" and your problem-solving mind. Live in the moment, and don't let another one pass you by while wallowing in sorrow that you know they wouldn't approve of. Just because you aren't thinking the "could have beens" doesn't mean you forgot them. Have faith in the fact that they live on every day through your smile and the memories you have.

Most importantly, don't fool yourself into complacency. I know it's easier said than done because I've been there, too. Let yourself feel and you're going to get through.