We're all familiar with the hysteria surrounding the season of fall. The leaves are falling, the pumpkin spice lattes are brewing, the scarves are jumping off of closet shelves to cling to your neck as they scream Layer me! Layer me! Or something. I don't have a beef with this, I promise. However, I, just like the mother of the kid who almost played Harry Potter, have mixed emotions about the rave reviews. I feel proud because all the seasons are talented and special and could totally grow up to be president, but I also feel jilted, because my child season inevitably gets overlooked:
Winter.
I am unbiased about this, okay? I don't love cold, pale, passive-aggressive winter just because it looks like me. Winter is just as good as fall, and I can explain why.
The peppermint
I may have to turn in my leggings for this (try taking them away from me. I dare you), but I'm only at about 50% enthusiasm on the pumpkin spice issue. The lattes are good, I grant you. But like a man at his bachelor party, I'm not completely at ease with them, because I'm waiting for my true love: peppermint.
Everything pumpkin spice does, peppermint does better. Peppermint candles. Peppermint cookies. Peppermint lip balm. Peppermint schnapps? Peppermint lotion. Peppermint hot chocolate. Chocolate peppermint bark. Actually, that's my trump card. Chocolate is the most important flavor, and it might as well be married to peppermint. Pumpkin spice and chocolate? That's just weird.
The clothes
First of all, scarves. Big draw for fall, right? Think about it though: why wear one scarf in the fall when you could wear three at once in the winter? And it doesn't stop there. Wear your sweaters in the fall; wear your giant sweaters in the winter. Wear your riding boots in the fall; swaddle your feet in the kitten-soft, just-woke-up-from-a-nap-warm shamelessness of Uggs in the winter. (Go ahead and pretend you're too good for Uggs. I won't.) Fall fashion has perfected the comfy-cute look, sure, but winter fashion is basically an excuse to dress yourself in blankets. And I, for one, welcome the opportunity to symbolically stay in bed all day.
The weather
I have heard the fall weather legends. The just-a-sweatshirt cool breeze. The crispness. Winter is much more intense, of course, and that can turn people off. "I don't like the cold!" they say. "I hate snow, and ice makes me nervous!" But, friends, you don't have to like it. That's what the indoors is for.
I don't know about you, but I am a big fan of lying stationary for as long as possible, preferably in a soft place. There is no better time for this than winter. Oh, no, we're snowed in! Looks like there's nothing to do but marathon Parks & Rec in bed! The roads are too icy to drive on? It's too cold to live? It's dark out and it's only 5 pm? Well, who would've thought. Looks like you also have time for 30 Rock. When has fall weather ever done so much for you?
(And frankly, it doesn't matter if you don't like snow. Snow is out of your league. Snow cancels school.)
The baldfaced, gaudy consumerism
Look, fall is cute. I am not immune to dressing up and eating a very fun amount of fun-size candy bars. And Thanksgiving is a fun way to celebrate imperialism and Puritan values. But none of this can hold a candle to the moshpit of goodwill and wrapping paper that happens in winter.
Black Friday depresses me, too, all right; I have standards. Winter shopping, though, really gets me. The classy white-and-silver department store displays. The actual, real ugly sweater sections in stores. The slight mania behind my eyes as I stride into Macy's to the tune of Carol of the Bells, clutching coupons in my fearsome, sweaty fist. Maybe you're donating to a toy drive, or buying gifts for loved ones, or just taking advantage of the February 15th candy markdown. It doesn't matter what holidays you celebrate or if you don't celebrate any. One and all can join me in my glittery, godless, savagely cheerful hedonism.
I could go on (cranberry-flavored everything, ice skating, that thing of when you get snowflakes in your hair and you are a literal Disney princess), but I respect your time. Winter is not the runner-up to fall. Winter is fall's cool older sister, who is effortlessly elegant but doesn't judge you for being tacky, and who also lets you eat way more Oreos than fall ever does. I rest my case.
