I feel literally everything.

No I’m not talking physically, although when I stub my toe I definitely feel that thoroughly and fully in it’s maximum capacity. These physical damages and pleasures like getting a cramp in my calf muscle or eating a flawless taco with queso on the side are momentary. They have a definite starting point and a definite stopping point. I either enjoy or wince, and move on with my life.

With emotional experiences, I am not so fortunate. Or I am extremely fortunate. This depends on the emotion. And I won’t apologize for this.

Say I am doing something my entire being longs for in the most adventurous and romantic way possible, like going to a concert or, no never mind, a concert is the only thing that creates a longing in me this way. So say I am going to a concert, and the artist, full of real and raw emotion, human just like me except a little bit better, proves their existence by stepping out onto the stage to perform for us or perhaps just me, and what do I feel?

I feel everything.

I am so astonished by the fact that I am even in the same room as this artist whom I love and think so highly of. Music is excruciatingly important to me and I won’t just listen to anyone or anything. I am in awe of the power of music. The compelling force within a live performance that draws things out of me only it can.

When the lyrics are a love ballad, I am ecstatic knowing one day I will get to be in love. I am so perplexed that we as tiny little beings get to experience such a vast and all-consuming emotion on all levels, not just romantic, and that this emotion is fresh and unique every single time. I draw to mind and re-experience current and past feelings of love, and I become expectant of all the love I have yet to both give and receive. It takes over me.

When the lyrics are heartbreaking and vengeful and bitter, I am infuriated by the carelessness of the human race. I am furious at any and everyone who has ever broken someone’s heart, who left without saying goodbye. I feel distant to the idea of trusting someone. I don’t understand how people can be so inconsiderate with something as precious as other people. It takes over me.

And that’s just a concert. A fun night that has a definite starting point and a definite stopping point for some people bleeds effortlessly into days and weeks, sometimes months for me.

When I wake up extremely exhausted, it usually makes me nauseous. Physically ill. I begin feeling in full force all the limitations of my body, hyper aware of all the things I can’t do. I stress that I won’t be able to do all the things I need to accomplish within the upcoming day, maybe week, perhaps even the entire semester. I worry I won’t ever have the time to fully rest, that I will never not feel drained. I feel like an empty shell. All this just from waking up extra sleepily.

If I don’t achieve something I set out to conquer or don’t acquire a position a had my heart set on, the tears begin flowing, and we don’t really know when they will stop. I feel devastated. I feel as though I wasted an opportunity to further my dreams and accomplish my goals. I become oblivious to all the opportunities around me, blindsided by this one setback. Rejection makes me hurt in the deepest, most drawn out form possible, no matter how big or how small. It takes over me.

When I travel, whether it be to a different city, state, or country, I feel relief. I feel freedom. I become overwhelmed with gratefulness at the fact I am not tied down, I do not have to stay in one place. I can go anywhere I desire, the possibilities are endless and my horizons are limitless. I feel the wanderlust down to my core, my feet itch with excitement, and my soul takes comfort in knowing it doesn’t belong to anyone, any place, or anything. This consumes me. And I long for this feeling.

This roller coaster is constantly ebbing and flowing, up and down up and down, and I never get to get off. Even the smallest of things cultivate streams of emotion within me. Cold weather makes me feel joyous and free, hot weather makes me feel sluggish and unmotivated. I mean come on we’re talking about something as insignificant and tiny as the weather! And it has an immense effect on how I feel and what emotions I am experiencing. This roller coaster is a curse.

But it is also a blessing.

It allows me to be vividly aware of my surroundings and the people around me. It helps me rejoice easier with others, and mourn with them on a more intimate level. It allows me to never have to wonder what I am feeling because my body always tells me. I never have to worry about being stagnant because this roller coaster always has me on some type of ride. Up or down, it doesn’t matter as long as I am moving. As long as I am feeling. And I feel everything.

So no, I will not apologize for my obnoxious laugh or my excessive crying. I will not be sorry for taking too many pictures or turning the volume literally all the way up. There is nothing I don’t get to feel or experience to the max. I understand this might be overwhelming to you, but just think about how overwhelming it is for me, the person actually living it.

My brain is very full. My life is very full. My thought capacity is very full. But this ensures my life is very full. And for that, I will never be sorry. I will never feel remorse for squeezing out every last drop of intensity that I contain. This is the quintessence of my existence.