Just as soon as I started to think I had my life together and that I was moving forward I took two, three, four steps back. It wasn't just one. It was as if I was 18 again back to square one feeling lost and confused and miserable not knowing what I really wanted.

How will people see me? How will my family see me? Why didn't I do what I wanted in the first place? Why am I so ignorant and not able to pass simple classes? I wish I knew what to do and I feel bad knowing my family has rooted for me when I completely uprooted my life once already.

Now I'm doing it to them again and I feel like I'm suffocating. Like I can't breathe and I'm stuck treading water in a sea of salt water eating me alive and there is nowhere else to go because there is no future. No next month or next year or next anything.

Being 21 and knowing what I want shouldn't be that hard. But completely changing my aspect of life to fulfill my happiness will take until I'm almost 24. This is fucking with me. I see all of these happy people getting great grades and working hard and fucking making it in life and having all of these amazing things happen to them and then there is me. A tiny pebble in a world full of boulders constantly crushing me and making me feel small.

Changing your entire path is a really really scary thing and doing it at such a last minute time in your college career is even scarier. Life seems to make no sense these days and I know its not the end of the world but it seems like it is. Being stuck in a place you don't care for, for longer than you had expected is tough.

When the realization of switching my life around happened, I was stuck. Stuck as if quicksand was pulling me in and there was no way of getting out. Being engulfed by my life choices and the thoughts of others around me made it feel like I was never going to be sane again and that my life was not going to go as planned. I wish that my brain would shut off all of the negative notions it has. I wish I could think normally for once but I don't know if that's possible.

I just want to feel like myself and to feel happy. I just wish I would stop doing this to myself and my depression would stop ruining my life. It never ends. The sadness, the lack of motivation, the uneasy feeling and nights not sleeping. I just wish it would all go away and I could be normal. I don't even know what normal is anymore. I haven't felt it in a long time...and I guess I never will.