I used to be fat. Not anymore. Something great and looming, the idea that I would be permanently alone and unlovable, kicked me out of my stupor and into action. Weight loss pills and more running than most people will ever do in their lives is what followed. Now, when I look into the mirror, I still don’t see entirely what I want to see. I see every imperfection on me, every stretchmark like a black mark on my physical resume. But, now I have a different problem.

I didn’t stop going to the gym, if that’s what you’re wondering. Exercise is a wonderful thing for the mind and body. You can find me on the elliptical six days a week, despite the enormous fee the university charges me to do so. It clears my mind, especially in turbulent times. But I can’t seem to find it in me to work. I must admit, I’ve been using exercise as a crutch, something that needs to be done, so that I can NOT do something else. Most people I talk to have similar experiences, except their crutches are simple time-wasters, like tidying up bookcases or watching Netflix. I go out and I sweat until I come home, too tired to do much of anything. I think you can see the issue.

So, now that I’ve come to this conclusion, how am I going to fix this? All things are considered but I still need to go to the gym. I still eat more than most people and this corrective exercise habit is keeping me from ballooning up again. I am very bad at managing my day. I can’t keep a schedule or a planner for anything. I need to tell myself no.

“Myself, we have things we need to do.” I say to myself.

There’s something so appealing about being able to take an hour plus out of my day to just pedal out my frustrations but when it starts to cut into my other necessary activities, what can I stop?

I’m terrified of waking up the same me that I was senior year of high school: a bloated, sad, future-corpse. It’s irrational, I know. It would take a gargantuan effort for me to inflate like that again, but the thought will always be there, close to the center of my brain. I’ve improved myself, but every day still feels like an uphill battle. I’m torn between these two urges. If I stop exercising to get things done, my anxieties start to flare up. If I exercise and then don’t do what I need to do, even worse things than that may happen.

I need to stop giving myself so much leeway when it comes to these things. I am caught between a rock and a hard place, but I need to remind myself that there are worse situations in the world, and if I just straighten myself up, I can get myself out of this rut I’m in, and maybe find myself some time to hop on the bike too.