I’m always going to have something to say and I want to say: you made things horrible for me.
I thought you were the best thing that happened to me in a while and you were lowkey the worst. I’m not trying to be dramatic or blame you for everything bad that happened, but you amplified the bad in me — you made me think I was fine when I needed to change something.
You were a blessing and a curse. And, if my friends or family are reading this right now you’re probably thinking... This b*tch is at it again with this stupid boy, but I promise I’m not. I’m always writing about my feelings so here I am again — I’m open about how I've changed.
I know I’ve messed up and got caught up with the wrong boys, but I want to explain that every mistake or person who hurt me made me a better person in the long run.
Everything that happened me to last year helped me make it to where I am now. And, what I have going on right now isn’t perfect, but I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy with myself like I am now. I feel secure and thankful to me who I am — sometimes I could cry thinking about how unhappy I was with myself last year. I became really used to being unhappy with myself and looking for happiness in other people, especially boys, and it ruined me.
I cannot believe what I put people who love me through and I’m thankful everyone in my life believed I could make it.
I am thriving and I just wanted to write it all down to document that I made it. When it rains it freaking pours.
Sometimes I feel a little damaged and I think we all feel that way at some point. I keep my circle close and I don’t just trust anyone with everything. Trusting people is weird and sometimes thoughts fly at me like: I don’t know if I can fully trust anyone or I don’t know if I could ever be in a relationship because I don't trust anyone. I think it’s probably normal insecurities that cause this but I still feel weird.
I was riding in the car with my mom and my sister the other day and we were listening to my favorite song called “When It Rains It Pours” by Luke Combs. (I’ve written about this song like three times now. Ha.)
But, my sister said, you know what this song is so right because it really does all happen at once. And, she’s right because all the sh*t does hit the fan at once and in the moment it feels so horrible, but when you finally make it you feel this enormous weight lifted off your shoulders.
What I’m getting at with all my rambling is explain in a quote from my favorite song:
“And it's crazy how lately now it just seems to come in waves
What I thought was gonna be the death of me was my saving grace”