We're here today to talk about a very opinionated group of people, to say the least. They are (drum roll please) controversial Facebook status people. Now, I'm going to take a wild guess that the reason you guys insist on posting these kinds of controversial statuses is either because A) you want all 1,059 of your Facebook friends to agree with your beliefs or B) you want all 1,059 of your Facebook friends to disagree with your beliefs. If you think about it, either thought process can be true. You could be a walking textbook, ready to inform and persuade any fellow commenters OR you could just be obsessed with pissing people off over the internet. Take your pick.

So where do we start? The status that starts it all of course...

Controversial Facebook Status Guy posts something controversial. Usually this is somewhere along the lines of "If you vote for Hillary Clinton, you're a moron. There's no way a woman that dumb could possibly run our country." Stop right there. Please. Before you go on bringing up all these pieces of evidence and fancy numbers, just stop. You've already set yourself up for a lot of controversy, hence the title I created for you.

The posting of the status then sparks a pointless debate with a lot of these commenters:

Infamous First Commenter Guy

You just had to do it, didn't you. You had to get involved. You had to comment first, bringing this status to a heated debate. I don't even care what your comment says: you're the catalyst for the shit show that's about to go down.

Comment-Liker Guy

Guy who browses through all 100 comments on the status just to like every single one he agrees with.

What's up with that? Is that really what you've come to? You like all 50 of the 100 comments you agree with as a way to say "This guy is the man!" You're lazy and have a little too much time on your hands.

The Classic "I'm done" Commenter

Commenter who repeatedly brings up that they are "so done" with the argument, so they're going to stop commenting. You've said you're not going to respond to controversial Facebook status guy five times in the past hour now. Not exactly someone who follows through with their words. So you go on and on some more, arguing for a good chunk of your day with this guy who's not even coming close to budging.

THIS Girl

Girl who comments "THIS^" as a way to express her profound excitement at finding someone who explained her thoughts better than she ever could. And yes, you know it's always in caps. It emphasizes her excitement or something.

Random Attention-Seeker Guy

Guy who says something completely irrelevant for sake of getting likes on his comment. Prime example: "Cowboys suck!" Pretty irrelevant. Almost as irrelevant as source guy.

Source Guy - Guy who doesn't corroborate any of his or anyone else's thoughts without asking in all caps "SOURCE?!" And it's not like posting the link to some article sways anyone's opinion. You know why? Because source guy #2 is countering your original source with another source that says why the original source is false. What a mouthful. And then there's Peacemaker or Neutral guy.

Neutral guy - Guy who takes the "you're both right" approach, only to have both parties hate him because he's not picking sides.

Overly Progressive Equal Rights Girl- Girl who brings up equal rights for sake of bringing up equal rights. This girl is a hot wire. She's going to find a way to sneak in equal rights to the conversation if her life depends on it. It doesn't matter if the status is about politics, sports, religion, or Spongebob, this girl is on the prowl just waiting to pull the equal rights card. And hey, why not? It's a nice change of pace from bully guy.

Bully Guy - Guy whose vocabulary isn't exactly up to par with everyone else, so he resorts to calling people names. Example: "Shut up dude, your mom's a milf." I thought this was an intellectual conversation, why the name calling?

Guy Who Immediately Disregards Equal Rights Girl's Comment. Self-explanatory.

Then if things get really heated, you got advertisement guy.

Advertisement Guy - Guy who comments something to sponsor his cool event coming up because the status is getting more likes and attention than his ever would. And last but certainly not least, you got me.

Me: The guy who takes a couple glances at the status, rolls his eyes, realizes "Oh God, it's one of those statuses again," and resumes going about his day.

So you hide behind your computer screen and you continue to struggle detecting tone, mood, sarcasm, and emotion behind these comments. And you may or may not realize that you've gotten absolutely nowhere and only served as another mere force to split up and divide the all too primitive human race. But on the bright side, you gave people like me a good laugh. And if I cared enough to read all 100 comments on the status, I might be laughing some more.

Tune in for my next article about other odd things we do. It's sure to be about something mind-baffling!