According to the Enneagram Test, a type four is self-aware, maintains an image of being different, yet deals with self shame through being sad or melancholy.
We're deep, creative, artistic, emotional, and in touch with our feelings.
But like every person and each personality type, we go far beyond the average text or answer on a test.
For me being a four means feeling everything so deeply.
Love is a rollercoaster with fireworks, scary, yet thrilling.
Sadness is being drowned at the bottom of the ocean, created by my very own tears.
Joy is fun, its carefree, like being on the beach with no responsibilities.
And anxiety is like a nightmare, that wakes you up at night curled up in the corner of your bed.
And being a Four makes me feel different, it makes me feel unusual, and strange to the average person.
In my home I can hear the walls voices that tell me small comments and concerns made by my family and friends.
In my classroom I feel afraid, afraid of being wrong, afraid of making a mistake.
At my work I feel anxious, anxious I won't be good enough, anxious about my sometimes bubbly personality, and shocking honesty.
With a group of friends I feel like the only one wearing black in a pool full of white.
I have goals to conquer the world, and slay dragons, but in my soul I see a tiny person, afraid to open a door and step into the light.
I can be closed off, hidden in the comforts of my room, with the smell of lavender, the blinds closed, and my earbuds glued to my ears, with eyes closed. Hidden in my introverted cave.
Yet at times I find myself among the company of others, enjoying it. Being the loudest one in the bunch, spewing my heart and mind to everyone I come in contact with. Laughing, joking, and running around in my loud and extroverted mind.
How can I be both introverted and extroverted?
Both deeply afraid, and fiercely confident?
How can I know who I am, yet be terribly concerned with who people think that is?
How do I live in a world that doesn't want to pour it's heart out the way I do,
Or to sing my songs on a rooftop knowing it's who I am, but endure the mocking voices coming from the apartments below?
It's confusing to live this way, to feel this way, and to think I'm the only one struggling to accept who I am.
Because for me I look in the mirror and see both strong and flawed.
I'm honest and open, yet I hide within the castle I've created out of my own shame.
And it hurts. It hurts to be different, and to constantly feel misunderstood.
But this is me.
And you are you.
We must either learn to accept it, or suffer the consequences of fighting against it.
So this is me, a type four, an emotional elevator of ups and downs. And not everyone likes that.
But it's who I am, and I'm learning to be okay with that.
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