I’m an English major and for the most part, I haven’t read much classical literature. My husband likes to make fun of me a lot because of it. He’d joke I’ve seen the 1996 "Romeo and Juliet" film many times yet never once picked up the book. Therefore, I decided to give the play a shot. What could be the harm?

"Romeo and Juliet" has to be one of the most boring and ridiculous reads of my life. I know, it’s a classic and people love it, now I see even the movie kind of sucked. Don’t get me wrong, I love Leo, but he and Clare Danes did not have very good chemistry. The actors apparently didn't even get along. Even with her in a coma, this kiss just doesn’t do it for me.

Let me start from the beginning. Though I believe men and women should be treated the same, when Sampson talked about killing the Montague’s he practically said, “let’s kill the women too." Really dude? Seriously? Women back then did practically nothing to warrant violence and you are going to take it out on the maids? Well, what else do you expect from Sampson who constantly talks about wiping his “naked weapon out.” There are other characters obsessed with phallic devices. Capulet even says, “What noise is this? Give me my long sword, ho?”

Let’s move on to our hero, Romeo. He is an emo kid from the early 2000s. “Tut, I have lost myself; I am not here. This is not Romeo, he’s some other where.” I’ll admit I was an emo kid and I remember wanting not to exist too when my life didn’t go as planned, but really? This is over a girl? A girl who two seconds after seeing Juliet’s face you’re like “Rosaline who?” It's like one minute he’s team Tay-Tay and the next a recording comes out and he’s all about Kimye and making fan pages for North West.

Okay, now on to my favorite character. Mercutio. Primarily he’s my favorite because of the 1996 movie’s portrayal of him.

He’s fabulous. Also, don’t forget Tybalt, the ass hat, who had some sort of incestuous relationship with his aunt, yet seems badass in the movies.

I mean, come on! That shot equals perfection. Of course, I hated Tybalt, too. He killed Mercutio! Also, did I mention that creepy relationship with his aunt. Yeah, that is not only in the movie, but in the book, she refers to him as her “husband” when he is killed.

I had many issues with Juliet. She’s a complete spoiled brat. I swear this is what she would sound like if she lived in today’s world, “But Mom! If I don’t get those Beyoncé tickets I’ll die! Like literally, I’ll stab myself.” Here is the most accurate description of Juliet's innocence and stupidity.

If I was Juliet I wouldn’t have picked Romeo. I would have picked Paris. I mean, he’s Paul Rudd for gosh sake!

Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" was okay, but I’ll be honest, I preferred the 1996 movie over the actual text. This is because Baz Luhrmann is a genius. To sum up how I feel about about the play/movies, I will quote from Sassy Gay Friend once again: