English majors have it rough. People always say that we have it easy because "all we do is read and write papers." Well, guess what? It's a lot more than that, especially during finals. Finals for English majors are more than just hell on Earth because while all finals are hard English majors definitely get the short end of the stick. Here are things all English majors know about finals week:
1. Finals "week" is never just a week for English majors.
It's like two weeks long because English professors make you turn it in early so they have time to grade twenty papers. Oh, you have five classes and other classwork? That's fine, we'll plan your final before finals and on your busiest day of the week. NBD.
Meanwhile, you are crying in the corner.
2. English professors will add extra assignments while you try to get that 10-12 page paper done.
Oh, remember that one page critical essay paper I assigned? I want it to be three pages now because "you guys did so well on the last." Also, I want you to read four articles on feminist lenses and then read a whole book in two days. Kay?
3. It isn't just writing one paper.
There are like hundred steps. First, the proposal. Usually, it's not focused enough because that won't fill ten pages? Wanna bet it won't? I can write about flee farts for twenty pages. Trust me, all English majors can bullshit.
But then that's not the end. Then you need annotated bibliography. I don't understand this because how am I supposed to know my sources and what I'm using them for before I even started writing? That's not how my process works.
Then the draft. Five pages minimum.
THEN the paper is due...if you're lucky.
4. Choosing topics isn't easy.
Open topic papers suck and so do focused papers. There is no way to win.
5. You get arthritis and tendonitis.
Your body tells you it will survive this week, but it lied. Your head hurts. Your eyeballs hurt. Even your hair hurts.
Your thumb and fingers hurt from typing so much. I have to wear a brace during finals week because my thumb hurts so badly.
No love from your body this week.
6. You're sleep deprived and have to show up to other classes the week before finals.
You walk in and people ask if you are okay? No, Susan. I'm not. Mind your own damn business.
7. You have useless "final exam days" that your professor makes you attend for five minutes.
You walk in, sit down for five minutes, and then leave. Your paper has been done for over a week now. The exam day is a formality and for Ursinus a requirement.
8. You go into isolation.
When you have three papers due and a project, you have no friends. You go to your room, grab some shitty food and coffee, and hope your smell doesn't bother your housemates. You bunker down and ride out the storm. You also don't even check your paper, you just hand that shit in and let the chips fall where they may.
9. Closing all your tabs is the BEST feeling on Earth.
From forty open tabs, to five open tabs...whew...It's like Christmas came early this year.
10. Once you are finally done you can hibernate for winter break...only to do it again next semester.
Maybe I'll be better prepared and not procrastinate...yeah, probably not.