How To Engage With Your Conservative Relatives At Holiday Dinners
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How To Engage With Your Conservative Relatives At Holiday Dinners

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How To Engage With Your Conservative Relatives At Holiday Dinners
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In every family, there are a few conservative, right-wing, Trump-supporting relatives we’re ashamed of and reluctant to initiate real world conversations with. Holiday dinners, however, make it nearly impossible to escape these dreadful encounters, and with the events that have happened during this past year’s presidential election, these conversations have become all the more crucial and painstaking.

However, not a single one of us white people are allowed to be self-righteous. None of us did as much as we could have to prevent this situation from happening. I’m sure each of us avoided having a difficult conversation with a relative or friend to try and convince them to vote or think differently, a conversation that could have made a huge difference. We, as white people, share this defeat. Only white people could have prevented Trump’s rise to the presidency.

So now it falls on us. It may be easier and more tempting to avoid the subjects of politics at the holiday dinner, but it’s our responsibility to have these hard conversations with our family members, and to (calmly) express our concerns. In many ways, we are the only ones that have the power and opportunity to reach our conservative loved ones, and begin the long process of uprooting the bigotry and hatred within our communities. It’s important to use any pull we may have with our Trump-supporting relatives in any attempt to limit the number of people supporting his policies or voting for him in the future. It’s our responsibility to explain what is truly at stake under Trump’s presidency. To explain that a white nationalist shouldn’t be our president’s advisor, that there has been a dramatic increase in racial harassment and hate crimes since the election, that we’re only one hot-headed outburst away from breaking into World War Four.

Teasing out your loved one’s attitudes towards minorities could be important because Trump’s campaign has exposed so much resentment towards racial, queer, and female minorities. Trump has made derogatory, hostile, and slanderous comments throughout his campaign, and people who don’t already understand the seriousness of that desperately need to. Here’s a guide on how to engage in conversations with your conservative relatives, in a calm productive manner. Basically, it’s a conversational approach that combines humility, tact, and respect.

1. The number one rule is no name calling and no shouting.
There are a number of reasons the election ended the way it did, and everyone shouting at each other was part of it. When we call a loved one names like “racist," “sexist," or “homophobic” (no matter how true that may be), it causes them to go into defense mode. Thanksgiving dinner is not the place for that type of “conversation." Instead, we have to challenge ourselves to remain calm, and engage person-to-person. The key is to find common ground and figure out how we all, as American citizens, are going to work together to ensure that our country doesn’t fall apart.

2. Be open to the possibility that you're wrong.
Seriously! Approach the conversation with the purpose of better understanding one another's views, not just trying to prove to your relative that you are right and they are wrong.

3. First, start off by asking your loved ones questions to figure out why they think the way they do about their political beliefs.
Ask them open-ended questions and listen to their responses. You have to have a sense of understanding, or it’s going to end up in a shouting match, and drive both sides back into their respective bubbles. It may seem intolerable, but try asking these questions sincerely and without sarcasm. Like seriously asking them why they voted for Trump.

4. Don’t attack their political beliefs directly.
Instead, ask them questions that force them to confront it. For example, if they say they like Trump because he speaks his mind (and I’m sure someone will probably give you that response at some point), repeat the point back to them before making your own. Like telling them how you can understand that he seems to come across genuine, and why they would think this way. But then ask them if they’ve concerned that he backpedals most of his campaign promises, and then explain why this, and what his campaign promises entail, concern you.

5. Find points of agreement and emphasize them, if there are any.
You can agree without really agreeing. Arguing with your family may not work, but you can start off by saying you agree with them and then repeat back a statement that contradicts their own. You might even manage to get your relatives to agree with you, even if it’s by accident at first. But they may eventually realize you have a point if you keep it up. It’s easier to get someone to hear your side of something if they don’t feel like their own beliefs are under attack. Allow space for them to agree with some of your arguments without having to concede their own arguments in return. Do not make them feel as if they’ve lost the engagement, and you’ve won.

6. I know this is going to be hard for most of us, but listen more than you talk.
Like they’ve been telling us our whole lives, treat others as you want to be treated. If you do this, then they’re going to be more open to listening to your ideas too. Which means it ultimately all begins with listening to them. Try to understand this person initially, what issues they voted for, what they want Trump to achieve. Their answers will be revealing, and will give you an idea of how you need to address them. But wait, before you go launching into refuting any of their misconceptions, let them finish. Hearing them out will affirm them as human beings, and they could have varying thoughts and feelings on Trump’s political behavior. After you’ve heard them out you can then tackle some of the cognitive dissonance that your relatives have, you know the thing that allows them to claim they’re not racist in the same sentence they also announce their support for Trump.

7. Anticipate what your family’s arguments for Trump will be, and read into those arguments.
Think about what your relatives are likely to say, and think of what responses might actually change how they think, even if it’s in small ways. This is hard work, I know, because it means you need to be tuned into the news that they’re engaging with, like actually watching Fox News and paying attention to what they’re saying. Knowing what concerns are on conservative’s minds will help you better understand your family’s perspectives. In order to have a political exchange with a family member, you need a preemptive understanding of their views. Arm yourself with facts.

8. Question their sources and facts.
At some point, your Trump-supporting relative is bound to announce a false and ridiculous fact, that you know is false. If they’re misinformed, question their sources. You can do this without being condescending, too. Tell them you haven’t heard that before and would be curious on where they got that information from. Truthfully we know that both sides have been guilty of sharing fake news, and not fact checking. Yes, in most cases the facts are on your side. But there might be a few instances where they’re not, and where you should change your mind. Arm yourself with facts, stay up to date on what’s going on with the election, continuously fact check, it’s important to stay informed. Do a little research, and have some counter-arguments prepared so you can hit them with some hard facts they may not be aware of. Let the facts speak for themselves, and let them draw their own conclusions from these facts. But also be prepared for learning some new things, and learning some facts that you might not have been aware yourself.

9. Don’t engage in the conversation with the mentality that you want to win.
This isn’t a debate where you’re scoring points. Keep in mind that they know stuff that you don’t know, just like you know stuff that they don’t know. Yes, I think that every white progressive person needs to exchange in a conversation with their Trump-supporting family members about their vote. But this doesn’t mean that you need to convince them that they were wrong in their vote, and it’s also very unlikely that this progress will happen after one dinner conversation. Instead, view each conversation as a small (progressive) step towards the goal of eliminating bigotry in our communities. You don’t know where these steps will take you in relation to your family members, but you can definitely learn the motivations behind pro-Trump voters and better understand how to appeal to other people with similar viewpoints. It also gives you a chance to slowly refute their beliefs that are seeded in “isms” and fear. Yes, it can make these conversations uncomfortable, but it’s what needs to be done.

10. Another approach is to move away from talking about political parties.
Obviously, the goal here shouldn’t be to get them to denounce their political affiliations altogether because that just isn’t realistic. The goal isn’t even to necessarily get them to admit they should have voted for Clinton instead. In fact, it might be helpful not to mention terms like “democrat,” “republican,” “Clinton,” or “Trump” at all. Remember that lots of intelligent, good-hearted people share their position, and lots of dense jerks share your position, so it’s best not to attack the political parties as a whole. Don’t focus on the election in itself, or even political policies, instead talk about the people in our lives that we love and care about, and that will be affected by Trump's political policies. This could mean telling them your personal experiences as a woman, queer person, or person of color, or about your friends. Which allows them to see how this campaign has affected real life people they’ve come into contact with. This provides them with a connection to humanity, and allows for a more successful breakthrough in their political ideals.

11. While facts are important, it’s become increasingly apparent that they are not enough.
Especially when so many people have such a distrust in the media. This means that an emotional argument can be just as effective, if not more so, than a factual approach. The first step to trying to convince your family members that other people’s lives are just as valuable as their's, you must establish empathy. You have to amplify the unbelievable amounts of fear that so many people in the United States are feeling right now, those people that were targeted and ridiculed throughout Trump’s campaign. Tell them of all the hate crimes and hate speech that have already been committed since the election results. Tell them what is happening to you, and your friends, and loved ones. Put a face, a real experience, a connection, to this very real and serious reality we are all facing. Explain to them why this fear is real, severe, and valid. Find a point of entry and create some empathy.

12. Build on this empathy by helping your relatives realize that they could play a role in the future that you, and so many others, envision.
Of course, none of us want to empathize with the circumstances of someone who holds racist, sexist, or bigoted beliefs, but understanding where these deep-seated views originate helps create the process of unity, correction, and healing. Once your relatives realize that their fears aren’t seeded in reality (like immigrants aren’t stealing jobs and Islam is inherently a peaceful religion), you can show them how a country can operate where people are treated equally and still be great. If they can imagine themselves fitting into a multiracial, multiethnic future, they could be more supportive of it. Making them view their connection to a progressive future in a positive way can help dissolve their fears and anxieties.

13. I know that conservatives continuously attack liberals for desiring safe spaces and trigger warnings, but sometimes a simple “don’t say that stuff around me,” approach can work.
I know this approach doesn’t sound like it would bring much progress, but it works. When your relative uses a racial slur or makes a rape joke around you, you can simply ask them not to say that stuff around you – but you have to make sure you remind them not to say it every single time they do. No, you can’t convince them to stop saying it all together, but you can convince them to stop saying the words around you. It’s a small way of indicating to your relatives that their behavior is actually inappropriate and unacceptable, and that making remarks like this can actually be hurtful to others, even if they don’t understand why. If they realize they’re not supposed to talk like that around you, then maybe they’ll realize that other people might not want to hear it either, and maybe, just maybe, they’ll realize they shouldn’t be using those words at all.

14. If you’re still unhappy with the conversation, or it’s not going the way you would like it to, you can ask to revisit it later.
Many people can get defensive when they’re arguing in a room full of people. It’s okay to tell them you don’t think this is the appropriate time and place for the conversation and ask them to continue the conversation after dinner. A private one-on-one conversation can make them feel less attacked, and thus make them less defensive.

It’s unlikely that you’ll end up changing their entire political view in one meal, never mind one conversation. Even attempting to remain calm and finding common ground can result in an argument. But this does not mean you should give up. This presidential election was extremely close, meaning every person mattered. Even small tactics can be effective in changing attitudes and underlying biases, which can be extremely valuable in the end. This means it’s absolutely worth people’s time, attention, and energy to have these hard conversations. Even if it’s just slow small steps towards long-term progress.

Of course, most of your family members that argue about politics over a holiday dinner just want to argue, and aren’t actually interested in understanding how others think, learning anything, or even persuading anyone. Don’t be depressed by this realization; instead, channel your “inner Hillary." This means that you shouldn’t take it personally if you have a relative who treats you like your political ideas are idiotic. No matter how angry they get or how personal they make it, you need to remain calm. Even if your relative is completely dismissing your safety or the safety of your loved ones, you need to stay calm. The second you show any expression of anger it will be used to discredit you. Instead, pick your battles.

Sometimes, it’s not worth fighting a relative. Especially if it is going to stress you out, or cause you to go spiraling into a panic attack. Find an excuse to step away, or leave early, if you need to. Your own self-care matters more than confronting your family’s bigoted conservative views. Sometimes you just need to acknowledge that you’ve done the best you can and that’s all you can do.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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