This Is The Kind Of Woman Who Gets Stuck In Bad Relationships With Men

This Is The Kind Of Woman Who Gets Stuck In Bad Relationships With Men

Full disclosure: I have been all of these women.

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The woman who responds to texts in a heartbeat (or sends multiple texts), even though it takes him forever to respond.

The woman who tries too hard for a man who doesn't try at all--or even deserves a sliver of her attention, to be honest.

The woman who ignores her gut feeling about a man that's telling her He doesn't actually give a shit or He just wants to get in your pants, and believes his sweet, empty words instead.

The woman who doesn't believe in her own value and, therefore, ends up with men who don't believe in it either.

The woman who can't end a relationship because she's afraid to be alone, and she'd rather settle for men who don't know how to make her happy--or care enough to try.

The woman who tries to change his mind when he's decided we want different things, and keeps hoping he'll eventually change his mind.

The woman who gives and gives and gives without return--in healthy relationships, there isn't even the question of whether there will be return.

The woman who gives into pressure, even if she worked up the courage to set up her boundaries.

The woman who loses herself and her heart in the heat of the moment.

The woman who refuses to listen--to everyone and everything around her that tell her Stop, and look at yourself. You've never been so miserable. Who is he to do this to you? Or you to allow him into your life?

The woman who needs to feel needed by other people, but doesn't care much about herself.

The woman who cannot stand to be alone.

The woman who doesn't know how to love herself and cannot show men how to love her.

The woman who believes she deserves to be punished by abusive relationships--or that this is the best she'll ever have.

The woman who feeds off of attention and affection as an essential ingredient for making it through the day, the night, the week.

The woman who takes excuses--excuses that mean absolutely nothing to the man at all, instead of putting him back in place.

The woman who believes the world will be kind to those who are kind to the world when, in fact, it can be quite the opposite.

Admittedly, I have been all of these women stuck with all of the wrong men. I am not to blame for the actions of others, but I am responsible for allowing those behaviors to continue and not insist on the treatment I deserve. The major turning point in my life was when I was with a man who insisted he loved and cherished me but left in a heartbeat--all because I stuck to my own values. Up until that point, emotional blackmail tended to be much more subtle--then it became so blatant, it sent shockwaves throughout my entire sense of self. What if none of this is about me? How can someone so obviously disrespect me and my decisions? How do I move forward and find someone who is worthy of me?

The question used to be: how do I make him see me as worthy? You can't. What you can do is be a respectable, high-value woman and ask yourself: is this a man who is worthy of you? Does he deserve to be with you? You cannot put yourself second to a partner or, frankly, almost anyone else. The man who is worthy of you will insist on putting you on an equal level and will never, ever make you feel lesser than him.

I cannot promise myself that I will not repeat these same mistakes, because we all make mistakes all the time. However, I have been able to better think about what led me to make them and how I can move forward in better relationships over time. Part of what had to change is the people I choose to love, but the other part involved changing myself. And boy, it's been a long road, but I'm grateful for all the lessons I picked up along the way.

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I Blame My Dad For My High Expectations

Dad, it's all your fault.
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I always tell my dad that no matter who I date, he's always my number one guy. Sometimes I say it as more of a routine thing. However, the meaning behind it is all too real. For as long as I can remember my dad has been my one true love, and it's going to be hard to find someone who can top him.

My dad loves me when I am difficult. He knows how to keep the perfect distance on the days when I'm in a mood, how to hold me on the days that are tough, and how to stand by me on the days that are good.

He listens to me rant for hours over people, my days at school, or the episode of 'Grey's Anatomy' I watched that night and never once loses interest.

He picks on me about my hair, outfit, shoes, and everything else after spending hours to get ready only to end by telling me, “You look good." And I know he means it.

He holds the door for me, carries my bags for me, and always buys my food. He goes out of his way to make me smile when he sees that I'm upset. He calls me randomly during the day to see how I'm doing and how my day is going and drops everything to answer the phone when I call.

When it comes to other people, my dad has a heart of gold. He will do anything for anyone, even his worst enemy. He will smile at strangers and compliment people he barely knows. He will strike up a conversation with anyone, even if it means going way out of his way, and he will always put himself last.

My dad also knows when to give tough love. He knows how to make me respect him without having to ask for it or enforce it. He knows how to make me want to be a better person just to make him proud. He has molded me into who I am today without ever pushing me too hard. He knew the exact times I needed to be reminded who I was.

Dad, you have my respect, trust, but most of all my heart. You have impacted my life most of all, and for that, I can never repay you. Without you, I wouldn't know what I to look for when I finally begin to search for who I want to spend the rest of my life with, but it might take some time to find someone who measures up to you.

To my future husband, I'm sorry. You have some huge shoes to fill, and most of all, I hope you can cook.

Cover Image Credit: Logan Photography

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It's Time To Challenge 'You Complete Me' Culture

Your partner should be your companion, not your completion!

pmterch
pmterch
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After having some time to reflect after "The Bachelor" finale, I think this is the perfect time to put this article out there. In this article, I want to offer you a different perspective on how to view relationships. I want to challenge you to defy cultural assumptions of what romance is and shine a light on how codependency can squash your happiness.

The puzzle analogy

In wedding vows or proclamations of love, we often hear the phrase, "You complete me." We compare finding our person to finding the missing piece of the puzzle in our lives. Once we place that puzzle piece in the empty hole, we can finally see the beautiful and complete picture. Without that piece, we would be in a frenzy, searching all around under the kitchen table and on everyone's chairs to see if we find it. We desperately hope the dog, or the baby, hasn't eaten it. We hold out hope.

This comparison, as I have found, has created quite an issue in our modern day society. We are so obsessed with finding that missing piece in our lives to complete us that we often search in the wrong places or live in unending frustration. Sometimes we find a perfectly wonderful person, but they seem to lack everything on our checklists of what we have deemed as the perfect missing piece, so we let them go. If you are one of the lucky ones who has found a person who fills the void in your life, you often try to shove them into the puzzle as hard as you can and force them to fit. You need to be filled; you need to have the beauty of the final picture — without it, how could you ever be completely happy?

Where did I go wrong?

I was riding along in the car with my boyfriend when I realized we had hit a rough patch. We are a long distance couple — going to separate colleges four hours away from each other — but we only live two minutes away from each other when we are back at home.

I had never had a boyfriend before my second semester of senior year. I had always been very independent. I moved a lot, which meant anytime I got close to dating someone, POOF, there I went. But, this time I had finally stayed and found an amazing guy — my best friend.

When I was single, I was the queen of relationship advice (as we all are when we are not blinded by rose-colored romance). Finally being in a relationship made me realize how easy it was to fall into habits that I had always scorned others for. I began letting this relationship affect me in ways I never even suspected it could.

Don't get me wrong, this was not his doing at all. My boyfriend is the sweetest guy I know. He is always lifting me up and supporting me to reach my dreams. While we both struggle with anxiety and depression, we have found a way to always put our individual mental health first. My boyfriend had dated people before me, but I had not. This altered expectations of what this relationship was supposed to look like for each of us. He knew what mistakes to try to stay away from, while I was still trying to figure it out.

How to reframe your perspective in relationships

Regardless of my background, I think I have stumbled on the most amazing way of reframing perspective in relationships. Once I started changing the lens on how I looked at our relationship, we started bickering less and I became so much happier.

Here it is: your significant other is your COMPANION, not your COMPLETION.

Of course, you should feel happy and enjoy when your partner is around. They should treat you with care and make you laugh, but they should not be the person filling the empty piece of your heart — that isn't their responsibility. They should not be the ultimate source of happiness that makes you feel emotionally whole. This perspective is extremely unhealthy because people are fickle and we make mistakes. We screw up . . . all the time. Our culture loves to use the phrase, "You complete me." It sounds extremely romantic. However, it can be so problematic.

Now, when I spend time or communicate with my boyfriend, I see it as a lucky bonus we get after we both have spent time improving ourselves that day. When I text him, I don't expect him to reply to me immediately — even though I still wish he would because of the need for instant gratification, let's be real. I know that he is going after his dreams by working as hard as he can to make a life for himself. As a girlfriend, not only should I commend him for that, but I should also give him the space to do that. Likewise, I should go after my dreams and work as hard as I can to achieve them.

Your partner should be the fun blanket you have on top of your comforter. You would be just as warm without the blanket and still get a good nights sleep, but the blanket is still really fuzzy and gives you extra joy and you can wrap it around you while you are watching tv. And, if it is a really cold and stormy night, perhaps you snuggle up with your blanket and hold it tightly for a little extra warmth and comfort.

I am a believer in God, and I believe his holy spirit makes me whole. Regardless of if you share this belief or not, I think we can all agree that we are all supposed to walk through life together and lift each other up. If we expect to put our happiness and worth on the shoulders of one person, then that relationship is going to crumble. Why would you want the person you love most to crumble? I certainly don't. I want to be able to look my partner in the eyes and say, "I love you and I want to stand by you when you need me. When you don't, I will be okay because I am still whole and fulfilled".

pmterch
pmterch

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