Ever play the game, "Fuck, Marry, Kill?"
Forgive the crudeness, but it's a real game. The concept is that you are given the names of three people and, from those three, you decide who among them you'd kill, marry, or get down and dirty with. Not so hard to understand, right?
Discussing my recent article with classmates, we decided to play a version of the game.
Rather than "kill," however, we opted to roll with "slap" instead. Results of our playing are listed below. Accompanying each person's choice(s) are reasons why each celebrity would get slapped. Ya feel it? So get to reading. Chop, chop!
1. Chloe
One of the earliest and most concise responses was Chloe's short and sweet and oh-so relatable condemnation of "The Kardashians. All of 'em."
There's little doubt that the bulk of my colleagues also despise the Kardashians for their ill-deserved fame and notoriety. It is Molly, however, that says what most everyone must surely be thinking.
"Bitches are famous because their daddy got OJ off [the hook]," fires Molly. "And their step dad (then) was an olympian."
2. Molly
In addition to her desire to slap the Kardashians, Molly expresses a desire to give Natalie Suleman and Kid Rock a good whack.
If you fail to recognize Natalie Suleman, it might be due to her notable absence of her more than a dozen children, eight of which she delivered together. Molly offers little by way of extra commentary but there were things to be said.
"Octomom deserves a slap for each one of her crotch droplets," one commenter shares.
"For waving the confederate flag around," Molly says Kid Rock deserves a good slapping.
Addressing Kid Rock, Molly exclaims, "you're from Michigan and that's a terrible thing to do always."
3. Tunde
Tunde cites Lena Dunham and Taylor Swift as targets for his celeb-slap wishes, the latter of which drew criticism.
"But I love Taylor Swift," Molly interjects. "We'd be best friends."
4. Sarilya
Sarilya offers up the name of "Teen Mom" star, Farrah Abraham.
Farrah Abraham, Sarilya vents of the television-turned-adult-film star, "she is a terrible parent and an overall [terrible] human being."
5. Arica
Arica cites several celebrities she deems worthy of a good slap. Among her targets is Kanye West, Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Petyr Baelish (the character), Charlize Theron, George Lucas, and, last but not least, Mariah Carey.
"He is essentially a caricature of himself at this point," Arica comments.
Why is Petyr Baelish deserving of a slap to the face? What could the former Master of Coin and current Lord Protector of the Vale have done to rouse Arica's anger?
"Because **** Littlefinger," says Arica.
"I want to fight him," Arica says of George Lucas, "in a parking lot over the Star Wars prequels."
Get in line with an entire fandom offended by the prequels, Arica.
And what about Charlize Theron?
"She'd slap me back and she's so pretty," Arica shares.
6. Hunter
Hunter calls out Scott Disick and Jonathan Cheban to be fictitious recipients of his slap. Both are popular simply because of their association to the Kardashians.
Hunter says that "Scott is problematic and disprespectful," and that Jonathan Cheban is "just a mooch."
"I had no idea who Jonathan Cheban is," Molly admits.
Exactly, Molly. Exactly.
7. Emily
Outspoken like she was in the Crush article, Emily has quite the list of celebrities she'd enjoy forcefully showing her hand: James Woods, Tim Allen, Johnny Depp, Donald Trump, Alex Jones, Jimmy Fallon, Jennifer Lawrence, and Julia Roberts.
Emily credits James Woods' alleged nazi sympathies as reason for wanting to strike the actor.
"Because of the Amber Heard shit," Emily says, a sentiment backed up by Arica.
"The Johnny thing, but fuck James Woods, too," Arica adds while referring also to James Woods deserving to be slapped.
Emily includes the current POTUS as a slap-deserving target, but Arica believes his inclusion "almost too easy."
In addition to Emily's admission of displeasure with Jennifer Lawrence, comments range from the actress being"problematic" and that she just bothers Emily.
Arica believes that Lawrence "tries too hard."
Drawing Emily's celeb slap list to a close is Julia Roberts.
"Love her movies," Emily quips, but "not her though."
8. Katie
Katie's slap list includes Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian.
9. Hannah
Hannah's chosen celeb to slap is Katy Perry.
10. Meg
Inspired to slap based on political factors, Meg targets sets in her sights the likes of Donald Trump and Tomi Lahren, the latter known for her outspoke criticisms of anything or anyone not drinking her particular brand of Conservative kool-aid.
Meg also cites Amy Schumer as needing a slap, but I wonder if Meg might fear Schumer's reaction.
"I feel like she'd be mean to me," Meg says.
11. Andy (me)
My list is comprised of Kanye West, Tila Tequila, Paris Hilton, and 2006 Britney Spears.
Tila's already annoying, but she just had to post an image of her unsuccessfully role playing as a sexy nazi.
Paris Hilton makes the list because she just had to utter "that's hot" one too many times.
So, now you've heard ours. What about your choices? Who would you introduce to your hand if given the chance? Who irks you just so bad that you'd go out of your way to slap them?