I'm still not fully healed and I don't think I ever will be, but I'm learning to be okay with that.

It isn't something you just get over one day. Once you've been abused in some way, it stays with you forever.

Maybe he never hit me. But his words did enough damage. I'm just one of the many people out there that have been emotionally abused.

Some days, his words still haunt me.

I don't want anyone to get the misconception that this is all about him and all the horrible things he did. I don't want anyone to think this is a dig at him, because again, it is not. It might sound crazy, but to this day, I have love for him and wish nothing but the best for him.

I know what you're thinking right now - this girl is fucked up.

But here's why I say that; he actually did love me. He loved me to the best of his abilities. He would've given up everything for me and my happiness. But him loving me this much wasn't enough, you see, because his best was still reckless and caused destruction. His very best was still not anything I deserved. But I was blinded by the love we shared for each other.

Maybe he never hit me, but those sleepless nights killed me. I hated sleeping because I wasn't sure if he'd still be alive if I woke up. Or what if I fell asleep and didn't hear the phone ring when he tried to call, and then he was gone? I lived in fear, because every day I thought I was getting the call that he committed suicide.

Maybe he never hit me, but being with him controlled my life. I became distant from everyone. I felt like I had no choice. I couldn't talk to anyone about it because no one would understand, that I knew.

No one understood what was going on and quickly got annoyed by me never sharing details. I also hated leaving the house unless I was with him because I never knew when he'd have a mental breakdown and need me and I didn't want to be out in public when that happened because then people would know.

I didn't want anyone to know, I was trying to protect him and our relationships but by doing this I was destroying myself. But at the time I didn’t care because by destroying myself I was saving him and because I loved him and I was so used to the toxicity of our relationship, it was okay to me.

Eventually, living like this, I started to fade away as a person. I looked like I hadn’t slept in weeks. Weight was flying off of me because the stress was eating me alive. I looked drained at every single moment of the day because I was. I was fading away as a person.

At this point, everyone had taken a notice. People no longer pretended like they didn’t know something was wrong. Everyone went into panic mode.

No one knew what to do with me, I was so far gone...

But then one day it hit me, I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t live this life anymore. I realized I didn’t want this forever. I missed the person I used to be. I was also scared for him, we were so dependent on each other I wondered what would happen to him if he didn’t have me. It wasn’t right for either one of us living this way. So I left. It was the hardest thing I had done in life. We were like addictions to each other and coming off of that high I hit the lowest of lows. We went back and forth for what seemed like an eternity but finally after another year, I was really done.

Living life, after that time in my life, is still a struggle now. For the most part, I’m okay but sometimes people will speak to me a certain way or say a single thing and it triggers me back to those times. Sometimes I still have the nightmares that left me up for days at a time with no sleep, because anything then was better than sleeping and seeing those haunting images in my head and reliving all those flashbacks, I'd rather torture myself with staying up instead. Some days I still cry about it. Some days it still feels like it was yesterday.

But for the most part, I am okay now.

Almost 4 years later, and I’m finally allowed to look back at the good times and smile that they happened.

I’m now able to be thankful in a way that I went through everything I went through with him because it made a stronger person. I’m able to love someone else and not expect the same things to happen. I'm able to see the good in goodbyes and the okay in heartbreaks. And I can finally see that it’s not my fault.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and it wasn’t my fault, and being able to say that makes me know I’ve healed as much as I can for now.