At times, it's extremely difficult to properly express how I feel. It's easy to throw them into vague phrases, "I feel angry" or "I feel sad." But when I say these phrases I actually feel happy and at the same time overcome with sadness. This, of course, could be for multiple reasons but I can definitely narrow it down to Valentine's Day and my lack of feelings toward anyone specifically.
Maybe it's the love thrown in my face when I open the auditorium doors to let guests into their movies this weekend. Couples have begun their early celebrations because it falls on a Tuesday this year. It could be me being bitter because last Valentine's Day I didn't do anything and this one is going to be exactly the same.
Honestly, I don't have anything to describe how I'm feeling these days but when I caught myself reading a book of poems the other day, I found it. Bittersweet is the best way I can describe it. This feeling has brought back memories about someone:
Recently, I've been thinking about you way more than I should because I know you don't deserve a second of my time or my thoughts. It happens when I see a couple who shares a meal because he knows that she likes the chicken way more than the fries. But he also knows that she'll eat some and not all of it.
The memories of us are beautiful. It felt like Valentine's Day every time we were together. The way I feel after I think about it though is not as sweet. Sometimes it feels like the burning sensation in your throat after you take a shot. It feels like sickness in my stomach after I've eaten too much. Most times, though, it just feels like a really bad ache in my chest and sometimes I wonder if my heart might actually break from thinking about you so much.
I don't hate Valentine's Day, though, I actually really love it. I love seeing happy couples, it makes me happy. I love the thoughtfulness that people put into getting something for their significant other. I don't know if it's my hope for that kind of relationship that I like more or the fact that I love seeing people happy.
No matter what your relationship status is, you should treat yourself on Valentine's Day. I'm treating myself by working all day and then going to the store to buy overpriced chocolates. And on Friday, I'll watch "Fifty Shades Darker" with my best friends and eat chocolate covered strawberries because we deserve it.