In recent years, Elf on a Shelf has become a Christmas staple in households across America. If are reading this and are wondering what the hell an Elf on a Shelf is, allow me to do the honors.
Elf on the Shelf is a $30 doll-and-book combo-- and it is by far the creepiest Christmas tradition that I have ever come across. The doll 'magically moves around the house' while the kids sleep (with a little help from the parents), and the kids are supposed to try and find it once they wake. Sounds innocent enough, right?
The elf supposedly watches and reports on kids' behaviors throughout December, and tells Santa whether or not that child is being 'naughty or nice.' And nobody is allowed to touch the damn thing because it could wipe the elf's magical powers away. Here are five reasons why the eerie entity known as the Elf on the Shelf just needs to go.
1. Elf on a Shelf's frightening face
You may have thought those claymations that they show on ABC Family (or now Freeform??) were slightly creepy looking, but not even the Heat Miser or the Misfit Toys have anything on the Elf on a Shelf's wide-eyed gaze and scary smile. Honestly, if you put this guy and a Chuckie doll in front of me and asked me which one I was more afraid of, I'd pick the Elf, hands down.
2. The corporate backbone
Holiday traditions are supposed to be created organically, and should be at least somewhat unique to each household, right? Instead, millions of households are pouring money into this monster of a Christmas corporation, only to be conned into participating in this repetitive fad that causes more stress than holiday joy. According to Fortune.com, Elf on a Shelf's 2011 sales hit $16.6 million, and that number is only rising as the creepy craze becomes more popular each year.
3. Not being able to touch the thing
If you or your child accidently touches the Elf on a Shelf, the magic disappears and Christmas is ruined. I don't even have kids, but I can imagine the tantrums that would be had if my hypothetical child peeked on me moving the elf around at night. They'd cry, then tell their friends in school, and then I'd get many angry phone calls from parents. Holiday season = ruined for all.
4. Mischief Competitions
Not only are you supposed to hide the Elf on a Shelf in different places every night, but you are supposed to think up and execute a whole host of mischief that it can get into. Don't feel like pouring out your entire bag of flower and having the elf sit on the pile? That's too bad, because little Sarah's elf did that, and you're not going to hear the end of it from your kid. Parents are in constant competition with this thing, and I don't know about you, but the whole idea of elves getting into 'mischief' at night is not only creepy, but it is stressful AF.
5. HE WATCHES ALL
I don't care if it's made of plastic and cloth, I can't have some little red doll lurking at every corner of my house, watching and reporting behaviors to Santa. What if he sees me sneak an extra Christmas cookie? Would I be banished from Christmas magic as well? Seriously, I'm sweating right now just thinking about it. I bet if I started doing this corporate tradition with my family, I'd purposely touch the thing in front of my kids within a week just so it could disappear.
The Elf on a Shelf fad needs to die, for it is only bringing more Holiday Creep than Holiday Cheer.