"I've got thick skin and an elastic heart" - Sia

Here I am sitting in the Starbucks in my school's library listening to one of Sia's great songs, "Elastic Heart". I woke up this morning feeling blah. Today is one of those days where you want to just throw your middle finger to the sky and say eff you to this day. I feel broken today. Today is that kind of day where I am reflecting on everything I have been through to this day and where I want to cry in my bed while listening to sad music. I woke up this morning to 3 likes from my father and a pin sent to me from him. Another reminder of what has happened. I don't know how I feel exactly. Angry? Sad? Depressed? Heartbroken? Upset? I feel a mixture of these things. Here I am reflecting...more than half of my life has my father battled his inner demons. This time they've won. He doesn't live here anymore. He doesn't have us on his new Facebook. We are not a part of this "new" life of his. This woman he talks to is full of hatred towards us, yet she does not know us. My heart has been stretched for far too long. It can only hold so much love for him until it is stretched out. Here I am listening to "Elastic Heart" being reminded of just that. There is no more love in my heart for him. He will always be my father, but he is not himself anymore. I can't love this new person. I can't learn to love this new person, either. It's okay to let go. It's hard, but it's okay. Sia says in her song, "Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart, but your blade—it might be too sharp. I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard, yeah, I may snap and I move fast, but you won't see me fall apart." I won't give up my elastic heart. I will love others to my heart's fullest capacity, but I have now learned when it's okay to stop my heart from being stretched too far. I will not fall apart. I will be snapped back into my place before. Back to where I focused on what was good for me and my future. No one will see me fall apart because I won't. I may need a day to cry, but then I am right back on my feet the next day ready to conquer.

It's okay to have an elastic heart. Life's not easy and people aren't perfect. Love people to your fullest capacity. Just know what's good for you though. Do not love something that causes you harm. Love with all you've got until you realize it will never work, it will never help, it is not enough. Some people are broken and we have to let them figure it out themselves because they will never accept our kind words, our wisdom, or even our love.

"And I know that I can survive, I'll walk through fire to save my life."