Dear current me,

Over these past few weeks of summer, I have learned a lot about my inner self. Sometimes I talk too much…or sometimes I don’t talk enough. I have found myself at a dead end; either I am providing too much, or not enough…I am never content or at a true happy medium. I have realized, much of this is because I lack the part of the brain/heart that sacrifices things. I like things to go a certain way, I like order and clarity. If I feel like something isn’t going 100% the way I imagine it in my mind, I shut down. But sometimes, it flips and I will have too much to say; I blow up with words and emotions and get over the top excited. I think part of this is because I lacked the word “no” in my vocabulary as a kid, and even in middle and part of high school. I never knew when saying “no” could benefit me, it only seemed like I used it when it worked against me. “Hey, you want to come over after school today?” And even when my body and mind was saying no, my heart said “Yes”. The cliché time of a young adults life, when they’re indecisive about everything; this primarily has been my entire life. Second guessing every single thing I do, pretending I know what im doing, and regretting not being more myself.

This has led me to destroying a lot of relationships that I have developed over my entire life thus far. The minute someone shows me compassion or interest, I shut it down with a crude/sly remark, never letting them see the real me. Recently someone very dear to me, told me “I want to understand you.” The way it rolled off his tongue, it felt like he had been waiting a long time to tell me that. The way I see myself towards others is not like they see it; my brain creates a bridge between us that seems like everything is going well…but my heart confesses the truth and lets me know what I did wrong.

If I could change one thing about myself, it would be the ability to turn down people, and fully blossom into the “woman I am”. I hate saying that because I hate believing I’m not a “complete” person yet…I hate knowing I still have some growing up to do, and that major things are only starting in my life; again…it’s the clarity thing. I hate not seeing my life as I do in my head. I’ve tried to explain the way my brain works to my mom, and she isn’t sure how to respond but with a sigh and a hug. My mother has always known I have never been able to be my complete self; but when she sees it out, she knows.

I hate talking about “self confidence” in a blog post, because I know how over-used this topic is. I just like others to know that sometimes you will build up these visions and ideals you want/have in life. But most of the time, life has other plans/things in store for you. The ideas in your head, yes sure they’re something to hold onto, but the things that are actually happening are the things worth waiting for, and the things that will be the most unexpected.