The morning of Thursday, April 5 I had the following text conversation with my mom as I was walking to Starbucks to meet for a group project:

"We were hit by a drunk driver last night when we got into Newburgh. I was going to tell you when I thought you were up and tell you about it."

"Is everybody okay?"

"Yes. Some bruising and we're sore. The truck is really bad. Not even drivable."

"And are the girls okay?"

"Yes. Just shaken up. It was really scary."

"I'm just so glad you guys are safe."

"Me too. It could have been so bad. If we had been in the Jeep we'd probably be dead. She ran a red light when we were crossing intersections and the truck spun in a circle. She hit us so hard that my glasses flew off. I was driving"

Roughly 10 minutes into meeting with my group for a presentation that afternoon I get a phone call from my younger sister.

"Hi, Kallie."

"Sissy, we got into a really bad accident last night."

The dams in my eyes begin to fill.

"I know, Kallie. I just got done talking to Mom. Are you feeling okay?"

"Yes. My finger is really swollen though and purple. We think it might be broken. Emmie and I flew across the truck."

In the background, I hear my youngest sister, Emmie yelling, "Hi, Sissy! I love you!"

"I love you too Emmie. I'm so happy you guys are safe."

The dams break.

"Hey, Kallie I'm in a meeting right now so I will talk to you later, okay? Tell everybody I love them."

The two other girls in my group look across the sea of laptops, coffee, and notebooks to me. For a moment there is silence.

"Are you okay?" one of them asks.

And it is at that very moment I lose all sense of composure.

"No."

One squeezes my hand as I tell them what just happened. As I choke out each word as we all try to comprehend what has happened.

We move on working on the presentation that will take place in just a couple of hours. I try to focus my eyes, but everything is a blur. All I can think about it how I could have lost all of the most important people in my life in a matter of seconds.

In a matter of seconds, my identity could have no longer included daughter or sister. The two largest portions of me would vanish forever.

I squeeze my eyes hoping to return to reality reminding myself that by the grace of God my family is safe, but I find myself falling short of success.

I imagine a life where I want to call my mom first about everything, but I can’t. I imagine a life where I will never hear little voices saying “Sissy,” and can never listen to the “Grateful Dead” without thinking of my Dad. I try so hard to ignore this fictional scenario where my family was in the Jeep and I was without my best friends, but I can’t.

Nearly two weeks later I cannot rid myself of the what ifs.

Each night I shed a few tears thinking of what could have been. I awake in the night, drenched in sweat, hot tears streaming down my face from the horrors of my nightmares. I sit in class with my jaw clenched, right leg bouncing, on edge because I cannot rid myself of these terrors.

It’s horrifying, just being in this world, driving down the streets. Somehow, we manage to all stick to these made up paths – for the most part, weaving between white dashed lines. We have no control of those around us and for some reason, we put our trust in complete strangers.

The fact is that we can only be sure of ourselves; we can only take responsibility for our own actions. So, to the lady driving the untouched Audi that night, I ask you, was getting behind the wheel intoxicated worth it? Was that drink worth possibly four lost lives?

And to you, the reader, I beg you not to get behind the wheel if there is even a doubt in your mind. That $15 Uber ride is worth it. It is worth it to not leave a young woman without a mother, father, or sisters.

Surely, a life is worth more than a couple of drinks and an Uber ride home.