Don't worry, I know I can be toxic too.
One of the biggest things that I've learned over the past few years is the power of toxicity in relationships and friendships. I've also learned the self-awareness that allows me to overcome it.
Let me say this first: If I was toxic to you in any way, I'm sorry. If I inhibited your growth or caused any kind of emotional trauma, I'm sorry. I wish you the best, and I'm working on it.
I'm fully aware that sometimes I'm toxic as well. Relationships are a two-way street, and a lot of the time, when someone is toxic, it doesn't mean they're a bad person. It just means that they have a trait or habit that may have been the result of someone else's toxic traits rubbing off on them.
I'm sick of trying to act like I'm perfect all the time. I'll admit, there were and still are times that I was a bad friend. But, that doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes me human.
I have contributed to the end of multiple friendships and relationships, but that doesn't make me the root cause. I'm choosing to work on my toxic traits, instead of ignoring them and blaming other people.
I grew past pointing fingers and blaming other people for my unhappiness a long time ago — even if there is probable cause. No matter what, no one can help my situation but me.
I like to think I'm a pretty strong person. I'm one of those friends that everyone leans on when they need help. However, when I need help, I don't know how to ask for it. I feel like a burden, or like no one will understand. Verbalizing my problems in a way that makes sense but is still accurate to how I'm feeling is 90 percent of the battle.
In the past, when I couldn't verbalize these things, I felt like it was a problem with the people I was around. For some reason, it was their fault that I was unhappy with where I was.
Don't get me wrong, those other people weren't completely blameless. People deserve to feel bad for making you feel bad, sometimes. But the way you react to it says a lot about you.
I reacted in an extremely toxic manner. I hurt a lot of people, but in turn, I hurt myself a lot too. I'm sorry for that.
This doesn't mean no one has ever done anything bad to me. But I've grown enough to step back and realize that I was letting a lot of crazy emotions control me when I shouldn't have.
When you're toxic, recognize those actions and move on from them. If someone's toxic to you, don't be afraid to walk away. You are still the most important person in your life, and you deserve to be treated like it.
There are a lot of people who view toxicity in relationships as something offensive or scary. Some people just don't go together, and that's OK, as long as you're willing to accept it and walk away when the time comes.