Every little thing I am about to discuss cannot be fully expressed in a singular article. I really have to try to condense this in under 1,000 words, so I'm going to do my best.
As you can tell from the title, yes: I'm gay. But don't let it fool you. This is not a "coming out" piece. Rather, consider it quite the opposite. What you're about to read will share some intimate details of my personal life, but I'm going to focus on the broad spectrum sexuality exists upon and how as a society we need to deviate away from the notion of "coming out."
As I literally just stated, I'm gay. I'm not going to write about my childhood experiences, how I came to terms with it, or anything like that. I could write an entire book about all that, and perhaps I'll save that for future articles. Instead, I want to talk about how sexuality exists on a spectrum for A LOT of people. It's a highly intricate concept, and it's not as black and white as people make it out to be.
Let me explain this from my personal experience. I guess technically, I can be classified as bisexual. I have had MANY crushes on girls from as far back as I can remember. But I remember having a physical attraction to guys at a young age. I just didn't really understand that attraction until I got older, and I didn't act upon any of these feelings until my senior year of high school.
I don't want this to sound vulgar or anything, but again, fuck it. I've hooked up with many girls. I've fucked a girl. I've dated them. On the contrary, I've hooked up with many guys. Fucked them. (Kind of) dated them. And don't worry, my body count is not NEARLY as high as I just made it seem, and I'm always safe and get tested frequently (not that any of that matters).
I am grateful for every relationship I've had in the past. My longest relationship currently is actually with a girl. We dated for almost a year, and although we don't speak anymore, I appreciate her tremendously. Without her, I would not be writing this for you right now.
But what really, TRULY confirmed my sexuality for me was the last relationship I had. It just ended last month and began the first month of my college career. I was romantically involved with a guy for almost 3 months. Needless to say, he hurt me in ways that are incomprehensible. I am still hurting deeply. I'm still in my healing period trying to move past him. I have been battling depression for over a year now and finally resorted to an antidepressant because of him. BUT, I do not hate him. At all. I am so, so, so grateful for every fucking thing I had to go through because of him. Because for the first time IN MY LIFE, I felt myself falling in love. He made me feel something I have never in my life felt for anybody. And that's when I really knew. THAT is when I knew I could love another guy. How could I hate him? I loved him. And despite all that pain, he will always hold a sacred place in my heart.
My point? My point is that I identify as gay CURRENTLY because right now I only have a desire to date guys. Is that because this is still new and I'm still in a period of sexual exploration? Possibly. It could definitely change. I'm not saying it's impossible for me to one day find the right girl and fall in love with her. Anything can happen. But, for right now, I am only seeking dudes. And if none of this makes any sense to you or you give me improper labels or WHATEVER the fuck, I don't fucking care.
Labels are restrictive. I hate them. We need to stop pressuring one another to place a label on ourselves when it is OK to not know who you are just yet. It is OK to take your time and experiment. Fuck societal standards. Just live your life day by day and whatever happens, happens.
Now, the second topic I want to address is this whole "coming out" ordeal. SO MANY people ask me, "Well, are you out yet?" And I had this issue in high school when people found out I was getting with guys. I've begun to get so frustrated with that question because you shouldn't have to come out. The other day even I overheard my sister talking on the phone with her friend and her friend asked if I told my parents I'm gay. Am I expected to sit down with them and have a meticulous conversation about my sexuality? I'm tired of explaining myself. I owe NO ONE an explanation, and neither does anyone else in the LGBT+ community.
I'm not ashamed of who I am. I'm not embarrassed. I didn't sit down and "come out" to them because my goal was to get into a relationship and introduce them to someone I feel strongly about. That is when they would find out. Not because I "came out" to them.
The LGBT+ is considered brave because we hold society to a standard of heteronormativity, and anything that deviates from that is particularly accentuated. Yes, we are brave. But I want to progress to a point where coming out isn't even a thing because the process of coming out is a perpetuating endless cycle of having to do it over and over again. Heteronormativity is diminishing as we indulge in more progressive times, but it's not where it needs to be.
So, to my parents, friends, and anyone else that was wondering, that is why I never formally "came out."
My name is Josh Rosenzweig. I like guys. And I'm fucking proud of who I am.