The only thing that I really hate about college is that I’m at the tipping point of adulthood.
The rest of my adult life is waiting for me after a little over three and a half years of pretending to be an adult, without the burden of actually living like one. It’s painfully obvious that I’m not ready to jump into a life filled with paying bills, renting a crappy apartment and providing for a dog.
In fact, I’m starting to question the foundations of my adult life. I’m not sure if the second part of my double major is what I really want to study. The writing aspect was always a given, but I wanted to study something else as a safety net. Political science seemed like a good choice. It was something that interested me and would provide a good career. It just made sense. It just fit.
Now I’m wondering if my career choice is for me and if I ever knew myself to begin with. What if I want to be a lawyer because I’m too afraid to do something with writing and literature? Would it make me happier if I was braver?
Maybe I’m not being cowardly but clever instead. Perhaps I don’t know myself well enough to see if I’m lying to myself or being honest.
I’m only 18 years old. I used to think that everything would magically stem into place, that I’d be so much more than I am now. I’d be sophisticated and a lot more self-assured.
I can say with confidence that I’ve done so much, but it’s just so easy to be disheartened that I don’t have my life all the way together.
I feel like it’s impossible that I could have my life together.
There are so many experiences that I need to live through. There are countless people that I need to meet that will influence my life choices.
There are so many hours, days, and years that I need to tackle before I’m even remotely able to make the right decision.
I guess that the real problem isn’t that I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing, but the fact that I won’t know for awhile. But I’ll have to be okay with not having the answers.
They’ll come soon to me eventually, just like the long-awaited answer to choosing the school that I wanted to go to came to me. So, if I made the right choice once, maybe I can be trusted that I will do the same again.