Before I start to dive in to the mess that has been my mind lately, I wanted to acknowledge that I am not entirely correct. I know that sometimes I come off from a place of superiority; but I don't know more than you know. I'm actually just as lost, I'm just really good at putting on a façade and pretending I got my shit figured out. I'm completely aware that what I type can be interpreted in thousands of different ways, and I am prepared to be called out for my way of thinking. I still have a lot to learn; but I want to share the growth I've been through and hopefully help others that are going through something similar. I am not wiser because I went to a liberal school in Chicago; I am not better because I decided to branch out from my friends in Florida. I am not smarter because I have an accounting degree.

Maria Marrugo

I've been thinking about this lately, but I didn't know how to put it into words—at first. I've spent the past 5 years at college being selfish and working on myself. Figuring out what kind of person I am, and what I want to accomplish. Not just career wise, but as a person. Do I want to be vulnerable all the time? Do I want to wear my heart on my sleeve? Do I want to live my life like a romance novel? Why the heck not?

I hated high school so much, I just wanted to get out and leave, so I did. The thing is, not only did my high school suck; but the people in my town suck too. By getting up and leaving I only put a bandaid to the problems that stemmed from my town. I still had a ton of personal issues to work through. Growing up in Florida is fucking insane, by moving away I was able to ignore the problems and bad habits I had in Naples, but I still had to work through everything else.

I was back in Naples, when I realized that everything I've accomplished was for the wrong reasons. Everything I thought I was, was entirely fake. I joined JROTC because I thought I needed to prove that I wasn't just a smart pretty girl. The pressure to be perfect was so constraining, that I joined ROTC to prove that I am strong. I've never known how to be strong on my own, because I've always needed a checklist of accomplishments to tell me how strong I am.

Maria Marrugo

Somewhere along the road, being told as a freshmen in high school by Miss. Morton that our 7th period English class was the smartest out of all the advance classes triggered something in my ego. The girl that once enjoyed learning, took it as a personal challenge to be better than the best. I needed to be the smartest, because that meant that I was better... Oh gosh I'm cringing, the fact that I thought that is how the world worked. I've always thought that I needed to prove something. I couldn't just enjoy it, I had to be smart because that way I was better than other people… I thought that scoring so high on my PreSTATS, that I was one of the students that had to take it again made me feel superior.

I think it wasn't until Nylon McGowan told me that "for a dumb girl I was really nice and had interesting thoughts", that I realized that no matter what I did, people were always going to see me how they wanted to see me. I tried so hard to look like I was smart, while the smart kids thought I would always be a bad influence. So why was I trying so hard?

When you don't know who you are, it becomes easy to do things that tell you who you are. During the year I was in a sorority, I thought I was a social butterfly because I was in a sorority. It's scary to think that I didn't know that I was able to be those things without a sorority. I thought I was strong and confident because I was in ROTC; when in fact I am strong and confident. I mean don't get me wrong, it wasn't until I did those things that I realized I was a social butterfly, confident, and strong all on my own. I just wasn't good at showing it in front of others. I would get scared, and being part of an organization gives you an identity. But what I was so desperately seeking, I already had; I just needed to show it more.

I mean, I'm still kind of confused. How am I supposed to know who I am, when this entire time I've accomplished wonderful things, but under the wrong intentions. Everything I've ever done was to signal that I am "accomplished". I mean, the first time I started this blog was because I thought it would look cool. Don't get me wrong, I love it now, because it helps me organize my thoughts, and it helps be come to terms with the truth that I try to hide sometimes. But I started this because I wanted to be cool! LIKE HOW FAKE AM I?! There's nothing wrong with doing something for the wrong intentions, but I want to start owning up to it. The reason why I bring these things up, is because I'm no longer ashamed. There's so much shame that I carry, that I legit cannot carry it anymore. I don't want to, I'm drained.

Not only am I being kinder to myself, but I'm also being kind to those around me. I know what it feels like to do things because you think it's "what society" thinks it's right. I know what it feels like to wear makeup, because without it you're not as pretty. I know what it feels like to be ashamed of yourself, and try to hide under a checklist of accomplishments. But just because I have a checklist of accomplishments, it doesn't mean I'm better. We are not better than others for the things we do, and we need to stop trying to compete against each other and start competing with ourselves. We need to start doing things because we want to grow and become better, not because we want to better than someone else.