The bad thing about being a writer is that people read your stuff and create a person who is wickedly smart, sophisticated, confident and well-spoken, among many other envious traits. But many writers aren’t like that at all; I would dare to say that most aren’t like that. I mean, I bet William Shakespeare wasn’t nearly as charming as everyone likes to think.
This fear of not holding up to what everyone thinks can be quite debilitating if you let it get to you. Ever since I was young I’ve wanted to be a published fiction author, and have told people that for years. Adults constantly told me that I was an “old soul” and I always took pride in that label. I was clever and creative because I wrote stories; I was mature beyond my years because I could talk to adults. I was special, I was told.
But you know what? I haven’t written a story, or even had a good idea for one, in nearly three years. Three years. I have had this fear that I am no longer creative and that I’ve somehow lost it.
As a writer, there are many “what ifs." What if I create one good thing and that’s it? My first book will be my best and everything I do after won’t matter. What if I never create a good story again, what if my days of being a “creative old soul” are behind me?
This morning though, I realized that I am not done. I feel the creative bug inside me, working its way through my brain, grabbing good ideas and building them up like an ant building a hill. Everything takes time, and we have to experience the things around us. I think that’s why I haven’t written any good fiction in the last three years; I’ve been living.
Being away from the marathon of moments that is college, and having time to sit and truly think, I know that I still have ideas. Maybe they aren’t as imaginative as when I was young, but maybe what I have now is better. My stories now will have more heart, more truth to them because they will come from my experiences and not just the imagination of a lonely 13-year-old girl who suffers from panic attacks.
There are a lot of “what ifs” in life, and I think writers (creatives in general) think of them often. I’m a worrier and a planner, so I can’t help but think of every possible outcome to a situation. But I’ve realized that the positive “what ifs” are far better than the negative “what ifs.”
The negatives like, "What if people hate my stories? What if a publisher never reads my stories? What if I fall short of everyone’s expectations?"
In the grand scheme of this temporary life, these "what ifs" won’t matter. So I’m going to choose to believe in the positive "what ifs." Yes I might fail, but what if I don’t? What if I touch someone with my story? What if I make a difference? What if I create something really good? What if I surprise everyone?
What if I surprise myself?
We can not be afraid of failure, because the only measure of failure and success for your life is your own. The world tries to tell us that success is wealth, love and power. But what does it matter if other people think you are successful? All that matters is whether you meet your own expectations. If you do fail at your own goals, then you really only let yourself down. You are allowed to mope for a day, maybe a little more, but then you need to move on. There will be more days and more opportunities for you to find your success. What's even better is that your idea of success can constantly change.
Success for me right now means finishing college and doing well at my internship. When I am at the end of my days, a successful life for me will mean that I was happy more than I was sad, I followed and listened to God, I took chances and I did the best I could at everything.
Think of what you define as success, and aim for that. Not the world’s definition, not your parent’s, not the media’s, not a significant other's.
Yours.
Do not be afraid of the "what ifs." Most of them don't hold failure, and the ones that hold success are more than worth the chance of trying.