there’s some things

i can’t stomach to watch

even when they’re

shadows of reality,

mimicking motions

with no real intention or devotion

i can’t watch a scene

where someone takes their life

because the scene is fake,

there’s no life at stake

so my heart sets on fire

when the painting in my head,

i view nightly before bed,

crawls out of my mind

armed and ready to harm

in them, i see ghosts of me

and visions of him

then i’m left wondering

if they’re actually been

numb,

holding a bottle,

waiting for the courage to come

if they understand

what the weight of

the future feels like in your hand,

a wound in your chest

an oozing, unsealed mess

it’s fake

there’s no life at stake

so in the moment,

when she pretends to swallow

my body becomes hollow

yet, all my emotions swell

in my eyes and

my vision blurs

but that doesn’t stop

the exchange between us and them

that happens in my mind

from being so clear

undisturbed by tear after tear

i watch it all happen

and i know it’s an act

but it causes me to tap in

to a suppressed fear,

a forgotten feeling,

a sea with tumultuous waves

of what ifs and

remember whens

it reminds me

that i’m far from where

i need to be

sitting up in a tree

during a thunderstorm

waiting for lightning to strike

i want,

i should,

i need to be on the ground

to secure safety

and i don’t mean just for me

as i take in what i see,

the guilt seeps in and

saturates my skin

am i doing enough

to keep those i love

above ground when

push comes to shove

because it may not be enough

and it could get

too rough, too tough

i could not be enough

and i could wake up

with one less friend

and i wouldn’t be able to pretend

that i had some fault in

the end

because love wasn’t

enough to send

i can’t stomach to watch

them play pretend with

something looming so near

because out here,

from where i sit,

it isn’t fake and

there’s more than

one life at stake.