When I tell people I work in the domestic and sexual violence field, I tend to get a few different reactions. One of those is when people ask, "oh why doesn't she [figuratively speaking] just leave?" There are plenty of reasons, and each person has various things to keep them in the relationship, but here is a list of some of the most common.

1. Fear

Fear can do some powerful things to people. It is a common control tactic used by abusers. Some threaten to hurt the victim, the victim's family, or themselves. There are many clients who have interacted with my agency who said, "he told me he would kill himself if I left. I just couldn't live with that". Or if the abuser threatened to hurt or kill the victim's family, the victim truly tries to protect them by staying in the relationship.

2. Effects of the Violence and Manipulation

After hearing someone tell you that you are worthless and deserve to be treated poorly, you begin to believe it. Many people stay in their relationship because they become convinced this is the life they are going to live and there is nothing they can do to change that. In a way, this is brainwashing. This type of treatment often begins before any physical violence, and even used afterward (ex: "you made me do this"). It can become so ordinary, an individual may not know how to cope with anything but this turmoil.

3. Children

I think it can be stated that most people want their family to stay together. It is not a common desire to get together with someone, create a family, and then separate. People want their families to work. The same can be said in an abusive situation. People want their children to have both parents at home and it can cloud their vision that maybe it is better to co-parent at a distance.

4. Past History

So many people who grew up in a violent household find those same characteristics in their own partner. When that is what someone grows up learning about a relationship, it is what they look for (not necessarily on a conscious level) in a partner.

5. The Cycle of Violence

We have a great info-graphic in my agency about the cycle of violence. Domestic violence relationships often manifest in a cyclical pattern as follows:
Honeymoon phase - things are fine, both partners are happy and doing well
Tension phase - this is when those little arguments over simple things begin to happen. These arguments may not end in a violent way, but they create tension between the two people involved.
Explosion phase - this is when something big happens; "shit hits the fan" so to speak. This could be a violent episode, screaming and yelling more than before, etc.
Honeymoon phase - many people say this is when their partner brings them flowers or gifts, says things like "I'm sorry" and "I'll never do that again".
Most often, at the beginning of a relationship, the honeymoon phase lasts the longest of the other two. As time goes on, the honeymoon phase becomes less and less frequent.

6. Love

Many of the clients I have seen struggle with this balance of knowing they should not be involved with this person because it is dangerous, but also loving them. I always say, "you fell in love with them for a reason". Domestic violence is not a quick process; it usually begins very slowly with things you would not think are violent or manipulative until looking back on them. The same is said for leaving - "getting over them" is not an overnight process, no matter how much the abuser may have hurt their partner. It can be a journey of grief and may leave the individual feeling extremely confused between these two feelings.

This is only a very small list and there are plenty of other reasons people stay in their relationship. Most often, it is a combination of lots of different things. It is important to never ask someone, "well why didn't you just leave" - that can be very shameful and they may already feel shame for their situation. Consider some of these reasons and reassure them they made the right decision, even if it doesn't feel like it to them at the time.