"I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me."- Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis
I remember the first time I sat in my car and screamed at the top of my lungs wondering if anyone could really see me. Wondering what I would have to do in order to show my loved ones how much I was struggling without having to actually say the words out loud. I remember the first time I admitted it out loud that I needed help. And I remember the first time I was labeled simply as "the girl with anxiety and depression".
No one likes being labeled. No one likes being constantly referred to or recognized by only one thing about them. For years I have struggled with anxiety with panic attacks and depression; to a point where my bad days are known as the dark place. I could be in a room full of people and I will be faced with this overwhelming feeling that it wouldn't matter if I was dancing around in my underwear because no one would see me, or I could scream at the top of my lungs and absolutely no one would hear me. I feel trapped inside of my skin and I feel completely alone. And I would absolutely love to be able to tell you what is wrong or why I am feeling the way I am, but I truthfully do not have an answer for you. I don't know how to show you what I have going on inside of my head. What I do know is that I don't want to feel so alone all the time. I want to be able to let someone see every part of me. The good, the bad and the ugly and still love me for who I am, despite my depression. But when I think I am ready to let you get close, to try and show you the real me, what is really going on in my head, I push you away because, in my head, you won't want to be in my life after you see the real me. And since the day I admitted these struggles I have, I have been labeled as "the girl with anxiety and depression" more times than I would like to admit. And that isn't fair since I am so much for than my mental illness.
With the holidays coming up, we have what people like to call the happiest time of the year. It's a time for family, friends and loved ones to all get-together and enjoys the holidays together. But the reality is, this isn't the happiest time of year for everyone. There are people out there, just like me, who struggle year round while others suffer specifically during the holiday season. There is this form of depression called "seasonal affective disorder" or SAD that occurs in many people when the season's change, more so during the fall and winter months. They will face moodiness, irritability, and depression along with several other symptoms for no definitive reason. Most people will just play this off as having winter blues, but what these people are suffering from is still depression and needs to be taken seriously. They are facing a hard time and will need your help to remember that they are still loved, and they still have people rooting for them.
Now a few days ago, I was paying for my lunch on campus when I received an excited, "Damn Mads! I love your haircut!" from the cashier who I've had classes with and who I happen to run into all the time. This would seem like something mundane, but to me, it wasn't because I haven't cut my hair in months. But why should that matter? It was just a compliment and as simple as that, but it actually furthered a realization I have been making over and over lately.
Do you really see me?
We spend our days surrounded by strangers and loved ones, asking them about their days and how they are doing, but are we really listening? How many times do you ask you little brother how school is going before you finally realize he's been getting bullied by a classmate. How many times do we talk to the boy we sit next to in our psychology class before we realize we don't even know his name. How many times do we ask our best friend how she's doing before we realize she feels lost. And how many times do we tell those around us that everything is fine before we admit that in fact, nothing is fine?
In a world full of beautiful and unique people, we need to remember to look out for one another. We need to remember that we are not the only ones in the world that have hardships and bad days. And we especially need to remember not to subject a person suffering from a mental illness such as depression simply being a person with depression. Having depression or any mental illness is just one thing about them, and I can guarantee there are 500 more interesting things about them than having a mental illness.
So this holiday season, hug your loved ones extra tight and pay attention to them. Really listen to them what you talk and if something seems even slightly off, ask them about it. Don't push it under the rug and avoid it because just asking them if they are okay, may have a huge impact on their mental health. And always remember that just because a person suffers from a mental illness, they are so much more than that. Those people have other incredible qualities about them that they would much rather be remembered for.
Sincerely,
The girl who DOES have anxiety and depression, but is also studying to become a doctor.